I guess I just feel so cheated. In life. About everything right now.

I have been in therapy off and on for over 10 years. Regularly for the past 3 or 4 years. Might even be longer since this is my 6th year at university (I really didn’t think I’d take this long when I started) but hey maybe that’s because I have ADHD and no one fucking recognised it until my current psychologist who it turns out has been monitoring me so to speak for the past few years I’ve been seeing her to make sure she was sure before saying anything.

And look, I do completely understand why on one level but on the other one, the deep dark level inside of me just feels so robbed of not knowing why I see the world so differently. Why I do things that I don’t understand. Why I can’t focus and study like everyone else so I beat myself up over and over again because I believe I am such a failure in life, which is why it always feels like no one cares about me. Because I’m worthless. Because that’s how I feel when I’m in the darkness. I’m crying as I type this since I thought about making a video but realised I would rather not cry to my camera when I can help it.

Just the first few pages on the introduction of this book.. has explained so much and now I just feel sad and well like I said.. cheated. Everything that has gone wrong, all the things I blame myself for were caused by my brain literally being wired wrong. I had no idea. And now on top of everything I just feel so fucking stupid. Like no wonder everyone always leaves.

I know I have friends. I do. But I’d be lying if I said I fully believe that they will remain my friends. My track record proves everyone leaves me eventually. I know without a doubt that I will spend the rest of my life completely alone. Amd thats not just some.. oh poor me blah blah blah..

I don’t even know who I am anymore. Like I have been reduced down to all my many mental and physical conditions, like, as a person I no longer exist.

Yet I know people care about me. My few uni friends prove that. I spoke to Randy on video call this morning. Somehow he was even about to find the book that’s just been delivered online and sent it to me so I can use the read out loud version on Word. Considering I have had to take 2 valuim and vaped I am grateful he was able to find that and share with me. I still love amd will always prefer actual hard copy books, but right now going to lie on my bed and have it read out loud to be sounds good

My neighbour across the street, the one I upset, messaged me if I was up for a chat. I said ueah because I really just wanted to put what happened behind us (video made titled: I stuffed up) since I enjoyed our chats and he is literally the only person I ever saw in person, so was feeling even more alone since I hadn’t seen him in so long. He apologised when I got there, we sit on his front porch. Said that he felt so bad because he realised after that he had attacked me when I hadn’t actually done anything to him. What I had said was to a stranger on the street. Which I stand by what I said. But I apologised to him too for not paying enough attention to my surroundings, i.e., we were sitting in his feont yard not mine. I will say that until he got mad about it, I truly didn’t think I did anything wrong. I even told him that I had thought about it a lot and realised that, yes in fact, I would say the same thing again if in that situation. That is who I am and I don’t feel bad about bringing attention to something that is dangerous and just plain dumb.

I reassured him that I truly do believe every single thing happens exactly as it’s supposed to, even though I can’t seem to get my emotions to match this currently, otherwise I wouldn’t have having all these breakdowns. I shared what happened with my sister and how I haven’t heard a word from my mother since, so I effectively feel like I no longer have a family. Plus so many people I considered friends only saw me as acquaintances, resulting in having not seen anyone in like 14 days, with Graham being the last person I saw for our first study day.

I guess that’s probably nothing for some people, but I think its been getting to me a lot more I wanted to admit. It’s the driving force behind all the nightmares I’m having, and feeling like I have just made too many mistakes in my life. Like now when I am trying to do everything I can to help myself and yet find out I literally have “a brain wiring issue that causes your [my] difficulties” (Ari Tuckman).

I guess I am just really struggling with how this could have been missed. With how long I have been beating myself up over never ever feeling like I’m good enough. Now understanding why I have struggled so much with trying to get into a routine or how I have struggled with staying focused in university even though I absolutely love every single thing I am learning.

The constant feeling like time just flashes past even though some days I don’t achieve anything worthwhile.

So yeah, I feel sad and cheated by not knowing I had this. But I know I need to focus on the fact that at least I know now. Especially when I have a few months before I am enrolled for Trimester Two this year. I will be doing both my Personality and Psychopathology units together in T2 and then Research Methods Beginners in T3 over summer and Research Methods in T1 2023.

So I am really hoping this book is able to help me figure out ways to so things that work better for me, because I am not in a position to do anything other than home based causal jobs, and right npw not even that. Which means I absolutely 100% want to keep studying future degrees. I just have to pray that I can do what needs to be done to get the grades I need.

Thankfully the valuim I took has now completely kicked in, so I am going to keep reading, and pray that nothing else triggerse off. Though since I took 2 valuim and a vape I think I will be alright.