I just feel like I want it so much and really do believe that I can do it, it’s just that mentally I am still very much in waves.

Like the past couple of days I have really wanted to study but just couldn’t focus. Now today I just feel sad and flat so have decided to vape weed and watch movies.

Plus on top of that, because I went to Graham when I was upset, I found out this morning that he thought I was angry at him and he didn’t know how to help me, leaving him concerned about what will happen if something upsets ot triggers me in person. Hearing that hurt so much. I wasn’t mad at him at all last night. I was mad at myself and frustrated by YouTube and was venting to him as a friend. I had no idea he felt like I was attacking him until this morning. Just thinking about it has me almost in tears. We have talked through it via messenger and he says we are ok, but nothing will change the fact that I hurt someone again. Without even meaning to.

And now Rachel is no longer returning my messages because she told me why reason for not wanting to be vaccinated right now was invalid which made me feel completely dismissed as I told her. I also told her I don’t want to keep having the same conversation. She then told me that the reason I don’t want it (there are many reasons) is ok and I am projecting. Honestly though the more I think about it the more I see how easy it was to turn around what was being said. The reason I gave her that she told me was wrong was dismissing me. And I have had an absolute fucking gutsfull of it. So I have archived her messages thread instead of having to see my messages being ignored.

UPDATE: SHE TOLD ME WE ARE FINE 🥳

Oh and I finally messaged Hannah on whatsapp yesterday to ask her what’s going on because I am really finding it hard to understand why I’m being ghosted simply because I wanted to catch up and see my friend. She’s seen it. But left me on read. Clearly she feels I am not worth an explanation as to why our friendship has ended.

But really, I guess I can now finally see.. my mother is right. I am ALWAYS the problem 🥺