I could dead for a week or probably more like two before anyone would actually come to check on me.

Today’s meeting with skills people did not go well at all today. Never felt more stupid in front of someone before. Had tears spilling from my eyes by halfway through. We didn’t get through barely anything. She spent so long working on changing something that I have already written myself, no quotes included and yet she wouldn’t listen to me. What she wrote made absolutely no sense and was exactly 33 words, like what I had written. Also 33 words. So no help there.

She did however tell me that it makes no sense that I haven’t paraphrased everything, used to many quotes, not cut enough words etc.. all things I already know I am failing at, so I said..

I really don’t know how else to say this, but I passed my health limits over week ago. She replied.. ok you might be tired but really why haven’t you done it. Just do it.

So easily dismissed. No one is listening to me except my doctor and psychologist. Today I emailed my disability support person at uni who I have been dealing with to double check that the unit chair, who is the person who decided to cut my extension in half and made me do the assignments worth lower grades first has seen the letter my doctor wrote to her that I sent to disability contact, only to be told this morning that “it is inappropriate to show her the actual letter”. Like WTF?! This is my university degree. These grades go towards my WAM. Thats a big fucking deal and yet my health is definitely not nearly as important as the staff getting to finalise their units, at would seem.

So my essay that I was so excited to write had to be stopped while I did the other two first. Now I can barely function. Dead brain is an understatement. Pain and exhaustion.. nothing is helping anymore.. every part of me feels completely and utterly broken. Sitting, walking, lying down, everything hurts. Clothes hurt. Blankets hurt. Uncontrollable shaking, stumbling, banging into walls, almost falling multiple times, bladder flare that won’t end, had my period for twice as long as I have ever had in my entire life. I can only assume that’s from stress. .

And the worst part of all… I am going through all of this .. because I didn’t listen to my intution… I do not have, and dealt I ever will have, a reason for asking the last question I did that resulted in all of this what is going on. So many lessons. Just this time they are excruciating and causing me to have the worst anixety amd second guess everything.

It really does feel like instead of this year being the best year at university ever, it feels more like this year has happened to show me I am kidding myself about ever doing another degree.

I truly did used to be a good student. I wish I still was. I truly believe I would have been so fantastic at what my dreams were, but I have had to let them all go. The more I think about looking for somewhere remote to go and spend the rest of my life with Boss when I am given notice here, the better the idea sounds. I only have four units to go until I finish my degree. If I get notice before I am finished, I can just do the rest online.

Anyway I feel like shit. I have so many things I want to blog about but I needed to get this out because I feel sad..