I have been scrolling through reddit since getting out of the bath/shower. I say it like this because for the first half I sat under the shower and let the bath fill up around me while I cried. . Thankfully I was able to actually wash my hair, shave, brush teeth, was face and body etc, though I do remember the distinct thought going through my head when I conditioned my hair “who knows when I’ll do this again”..

But I want to get past this. I don’t want to be that person who gives up just because of a bad exam. A Bad day. Even if it was a really bad day and I haven’t felt good since. I still want to get past this.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. This pain, this anguish, this feeling that no amount of good back talk, support, good advice or well wishes can help. Anyone who has ever felt anything like what I am talking about knows what I mean. We all experience it in our own way but either way, it hurts in a way that you truly don’t believe anyone else has ever felt before. Or maybe they have but they were brave enough to kill themselves. I don’t know. I definitely don’t think anyone should ever judge someone as selfish if they do end their life, I know that much. All I’m saying is that kind of pain, it does something to you as a person. It has definitely done something to me.

I have an anger inside of me that I can no longer deny. A rage that I can feel within me whenever I am in this state. It’s always just below the surface. When I’m good and happy I don’t notice it, I have no need to. But I can no longer believe that I will ever be able to truly help myself if I cannot figure out where the anger is from, or at least, better yet.. be able to heal from it and move on.. I need to let it go but I don’t even know where to begin…