9 November 2026 at 10:41 PM
Well, tonight’s video is a difficult one.
I had a telehealth appointment with Elean this evening, and the reality of everything that’s happening with my health has become impossible to ignore.
I’ve been practically bedridden for the past week. I can barely walk, and even sitting upright with my feet on the floor causes the pain in my legs to become unbearable within about a minute.
I know I need to be in hospital.
I’ve known that for some time now, and yet I’ve been struggling to understand why I haven’t been able to make that call.
Tonight, I think I’ve finally begun to understand.
I’m frightened.
I’m frightened of what they might find, but I’m also frightened of what they might NOT find.
And the anxiety, fear and emotional overwhelm have become so intense that they’ve been overriding the logical part of my mind that knows I need medical help.
Elean recognised that tonight.
In fact, I hadn’t even made it through an eighth of the symptoms I’d written down before she stopped me and told me I needed to go to hospital.
And she wasn’t making a suggestion.
She told me directly that I needed to call an ambulance, and that if I couldn’t bring myself to do it, Merv would need to make the call.
One of my biggest difficulties is the thought of going through emergency, potentially waiting for hours in a crowded environment, and being unable to sit comfortably because of the pain.
Even thinking about it can trigger a panic attack.
Elean understands that, which is why she told me to call an ambulance rather than attempt to get there myself.
I explained that I needed some time to process everything and that I couldn’t face doing it tonight. I promised her that I would call tomorrow.
I’m still incredibly scared, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise.
There are also practical things I’ve been worrying about, including getting Happy’s GPS collar sorted, preparing my medications and packing a bag in case I need to stay in hospital.
But the reality is that my health has deteriorated so significantly that I need proper medical assessment.
I can’t keep putting it off.
After the appointment, Merv made me a beautiful dinner, including a new way of preparing potatoes that I absolutely loved! Haha
I’ve also been trying to distract myself with some reading and Netflix, because talking about everything that’s happening is bringing the anxiety back.
I just want some peace tonight.
I don’t know what the hospital will find or what will happen next. I just know that I need answers, and I need help.
Thank you to everyone who has been following my journey, keeping me in your thoughts and sending me kindness.
I really appreciate it more than you know.
Goodnight everyone ♡
Recorded: 9 November 2026 at 10:41 PM
Day of my video diary: 1776
Time since starting: 4 years, 10 months and 11 days (inclusive)
#LifesAStory #DailyVideoDiary #HealthUpdate #MedicalEmergency #Ambulance #ChronicPain #SevereLegPain #MobilityIssues #Hospital #MedicalAnxiety #MentalHealth #PatientExperience #ChronicIllness #LifeLately
