27 October 2026 at 10:42 PM
Well, I checked the date and time about four times before recording, and STILL managed to get the date wrong at the beginning! 🤣
Today’s been one of those days where I’ve had absolutely no idea what I wanted to say, so I’ve kept putting off picking up my camera.
Which is ridiculous really, considering these videos aren’t scripted anyway! I just turn the camera on, say the date and time, and go from there.
I had an emergency appointment with Nicole at 9 AM this morning.
Some of the things we’ve been discussing in therapy lately aren’t things I can make public. As much as I’d love to share absolutely everything, there are some things I simply can’t.
But mentally and emotionally, I’m really struggling with everything happening with my health.
There’s so much second guessing going on inside my mind, and having PTSD certainly doesn’t make things any easier.
The thing about PTSD triggers is that they don’t necessarily happen, get dealt with and disappear. Sometimes they build on years of other experiences until everything becomes completely overwhelming.
And right now, I’m at the point where I just want to retreat from everything.
I want to pretend none of this is happening. I want to wish the pain away and pretend it doesn’t exist.
But unfortunately, that’s impossible when the pain is so severe and I’m constantly nearly falling over.
If I stay sitting with my legs elevated, I’m generally okay. But I can’t live my entire life sitting down doing absolutely nothing!
It’s really fucking with my head.
After speaking with Nicole, I did some reading and had a sleep. I’ve only taken my morning ADHD medication today, so I’m surprised I’m still awake!
We’re also binge watching Nobody Wants This on Netflix.
And then there’s my eating! I’ve been eating far too much rubbish in the evenings and have gained more weight than I’m happy about.
I’m beginning to wonder whether it’s comfort eating, trying to make myself feel better in the moment.
But more than anything, I just want to get the medical help I know I need without having to go through so much unnecessary stress to get it.
I’ve been dealing with a receptionist at an orthopaedic clinic who repeatedly refuses to answer basic administrative questions about the surgeon’s specialties, referral procedures and appointment fees, telling me she’s not a doctor.
I’m not asking her medical questions!
I’m asking about the administration of the clinic, and I honestly cannot understand why getting straightforward answers has been so difficult.
I fully intend to lodge a complaint.
And then there’s the orthopaedic consultation I had last Wednesday.
An appointment that I believe was one of the worst medical experiences I’ve ever had.
The surgeon didn’t even examine my knee, and I left feeling completely dismissed, unheard and as though everything I’d been experiencing had been minimised.
All of these experiences are taking such a toll on me.
I’m so emotionally exhausted that I’m having panic attacks, and there are times when I genuinely just want to stay in bed and pretend none of it is happening.
It’s difficult enough living with chronic health conditions that affect my everyday life without constantly feeling like I have to defend myself because other people can’t see what’s happening.
Just because you can’t see it doesn’t make it any less real.
I’m not feeling safe driving, I barely feel safe walking, and the only time I feel relatively okay is when I’m sitting down doing absolutely nothing.
And that’s not how I want to live my life.
I don’t want to sound like I’m always complaining, and I certainly don’t want to be a downer.
But this is where I’m at right now.
And being honest about my life, the good and the bad, is exactly what this diary is about.
Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow.
Goodnight everyone ♡
Recorded: 27 October 2026 at 10:42 PM
Day of my video diary: 1763
Time since starting: 4 years, 9 months and 28 days (inclusive)
#LifesAStory #DailyVideoDiary #LifeLately #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #MentalHealth #PTSD #PanicAttacks #PatientAdvocacy #KneePain #HealthStruggles
