Why are pictures on YouTube cropped? I find it strange that it makes me select a part of the picture I am posting.

Anyway, I am lying on my bed, taking a much deserved break from cleaning and sorting out my bedroom. There has been far too much in here crowding everything, and I just can’t handle it. Too much clutter in my life, especially in my personal space, my sanctuary, causes me too much overwhelm and anxiety in my mind.

I always said before I left Melbourne that I would store anything that I don’t need to use right now or can’t fit in my room, in the storage compartment that was on the roof of my car to bring everything up here. So today I moved everything that I had moved out of my room when I first arrived that wasn’t mine, from the verandah where I had originally put it, into the storage room which is the exact same as my room on the other side of the verandah. I knew that’s where I had to put it, it’s just that I’ve been cleaning and organising the house in a manner of the highest priority.

So, I have moved everything away that was out on the verandah that didn’t need to be into the junk room. Or at least that’s what I call it. Maybe, storage room? I don’t know. One thing I will say though is, it has a door. That has never been shut once since I’ve been here. I’m fairly certain it will fit my room and plan to measure it and find it. I had planned to ask Sammie’s son to help me move it since I can’t exactly do it myself. But I am now wondering if I can. I also can’t help but wonder what she will say. But I just don’t understand it.

The door is definitely not being used, and even though I may not necessarily need one when I’m here alone, the same argument can be that I do need one because I am alone. There is absolutely nothing between me in my room and outside. My room goes into a small walkway that goes to the wrap around, completely open verandah. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling she’s going to get mad. I just don’t know why.

I am really trying to let any concerning thoughts go but so much has happened since I got here that I haven’t talked about in any detail, not that I recall anyway (I really need to catch up and watch my videos) about what it’s been like. I was too scared until recently. But in the last few days, I have realised that I do have rights and that all I do is speak my truth. That’s the entire point of this channel. My videos. My website. To speak my truth. And as they have said every single time, I have gotten upset, I’m the one controlling my emotions. Nothing they do or say affects me. They can do and say as they like. Just like I don’t have to engage with drunks who have abused me every time they’ve been here.

I have managed to rise above it every time because, quite simply, I have to, but I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t affected me this past week. I very much lost the motivation to do anything or keep working on the house or even the pool for most of last week.

Thankfully, I’m mostly in a good new frame of mind. I am reminding myself that so many people live with housemates. All of the time. And I’ve heard horror stories. I myself had to flee somewhere with Boss and Sebastian because of a dangerous person who had moved himself into the place I was living. And when I’m not super emotional or frustrated (like I was when I picked up my phone to Google, “how come I can’t hit a nail straight”) I focus on all the good that I get to appreciate staying in this house, and that Sunny has apologised the following day each time she attacks me when drunk. Sammie sceamed at me on Sunday which I would never have imagined she would do, but, in her own way, at least I think, tried too make up for it by giving me a top amd some nice smelling stuff for the shower, after I calmed myself down and rejoined them.

My point is, I really do just want us to all become proper friends so that I can feel that safe secure feeling i had those first two weeks I was here myself so happy cleaning and getting the house into order. I feel like it’s coming back, which is great. Maybe, because I now feel like I have such a better idea of what to expect on weekends when they are here drinking. I also now feel fine in leaving them to it and doing my own thing if either are in the mood they both were when they arrived last Friday night. I will say, it is interesting saying that I want us to all become proper friends, since I thought Sammie and I already were. But I don’t feel like I know this version of Sammie. She is much harder than when we first met. I definitely don’t understand a lot of the changes. But don’t feel it’s my place to ask anything. Which is so unlike me, as you’d all know.

Anyway, I really did have to sort out my room. And I didn’t want it crowded with stuff everywhere jammed into places. So after I moved everything from the verandah into the storage room, everything that I could move myself anyway, I was able to put down the mat that the storage compartment goes on. Perfect fit. Just like everything else in my room. Honestly, it is quite humorous and manifesting proving, how exactly perfect the size of everything in my room is to allow for the best space saving.

I changed the sheets on the bed and put in the nice new ones I got. They feel so nice. Much better than any sheets I’ve bought in a long time. And only $18 from Woolworths. I know you’re supposed to wash new sheets before you use them, but, I haven’t yet in my life, so know I’ll live lol I then went through all of my clothes and took down all the ones that I knew I wouldn’t need at this time of the year and put them into the suction bags. After this, I bought in my washing basket and hung up all my clothes. My clothes rack looks so much better now. I packed up jumpers, jeans, long sleeve tops, and whatever else I knew I wouldn’t need. It’s not like they’re going far. I’m putting them with the rest of the stuff I have no room to put anywhere all together, just outside my room. The storage compartment is fully weatherproof. It’s also under shelter. Once I’ve finished putting everything I don’t need in there, I’m going to lock it up. I would if I was at home, so, no different here.

So, I changed the sheets, moved everything to the storage room from the verandah, set up storage, sorted clothes, hung up clothes, packed the suction bags, organised another powerboard for my room, took everything off the shelf and then decided I needed to make shelves. I was feeling quite creative and pleased with myself at the time.

So, off I went looking for something I could use. There really is so much stuff on this property, I figured I would find something, and I did. Two somethings, actually. And what do you know? The first thing I found was perfect for exactly where I wanted it. I don’t currently have any L brackets to put on the bottom of it, but after removing two pieces of board from the main piece, I knew if I hammered it into where I’m putting it, I would at least be able to then gauge if I should indeed buy brackets to be extra sturdy, or if it was strongly enough in place for lighter things like my oil defuser and ornaments.

When I first arrived here, there was a fan in the room. It needs a good clean, and I had no idea if it worked, but earlier today, I tried it, and it does. So, I am 100% going to clean it and bring it into my room, to go at the end of my bed. Hence, the need for a shelf. I currently have the small thin table that I used to put my laptop on to watch something in my room in Melbourne at the end of my bed. Until earlier today, it just had stuff stacked on it to be sorted out. But I had decided that I was going to use it for my laptop again. This is currently on it. I want my latop somewhere I can just readily use with it plugged in. Considering how new it is, I can’t believe how fast the battery drops. Now I’m not so sure where I’m going to put it since I’m pretty sure that is where I’m going to have to put the fan.

I thought I was doing well, making the piece of board I was using, level, so that the entire thing was on top of the wooden rail thing (see my fancy words haha) below that I was nailing it into. I had to use my knee to balance the boards to be able to hold it in place and the nail and hammer. Well, I got it partway through. It went through the shelf board and into the one below it, but then just sort of stopped. And started going sideways. It was in enough to hold the board in place so I tried putting a nail in at the other end. Same thing happened. Again in the middle. Frustration was taking ahold of me. It is hot and I was sweating and I just needed it to work.

So, I tried reminding myself of everything I learnt in high school woodwork class and saying “slow and steady wins the race” over and over again in my head. It did not help. I switched to smaller nails that were still big enough for the job and really thought I was getting somewhere until right near the end when the nail bent. But still, it was better than the others and the shelf was holding in place.

I then realised it wasn’t completely straight. The wooden ledge underneath it that I was nailing the shelf into is rounded. Thankfully, I was able to straighten it up. I knew it was not stable enough to put anything safely on it, so, went about nailing another of the large nails in. It had just barely hit the below ledge when it started bending. I tried to straighten it but it wouldn’t.

My frustration was at boiling point at this level. I barely get any time where I’m pain free, and my hands were killing me and I kept knocking my hands on the wood causing my hand and fingers to bleed. I started to get teary but told myself to go outside for fresh air and to take the bent nails with me to straighten on the concrete.

I managed to straighten them to what I thought would be usable butbthe same thing happened. Each one bent sideways. This is when my emotions got the better of me. I screwed profanity at the nails, the shelf, just out loud in general and started crying. And while this is all going on, I’m trying to get the bent half sticking out nail oit of the shelf, pulling backwards on the hammer, sitting on my bed. The next thing that happens is, the big beautiful mirror thing (I’ll take pictures) fell off the wall, or more to the point, it’s covering a window, onto my bed. I am beyond lucky it didn’t land on me. It’s bloody heavy. One of the screws that had been in the windowsill had fallen out too so I needed to find something I could use to put it back up. I tried a nail to begin with but it didn’t work. Then I remembered, for some reason (if there’s a simple explanation for this that I don’t know about, please let me know in the comments) it’s easier to screw in screws then use nails on the walls. So, I went and found a big screw and tried that. Didn’t go in far enough. I didn’t buy screws when buying my goody bag full of stuff to use in the house, so, am very grateful that I’ve been collecting all the ones I find. I was able to find one that worked. So the mirror is back up thank goodness.

By this point, I decided that I didn’t want to do anything else and took everything that was on my bed off and just randomly put it all on the shelf to organise at a later date. I also took pain meds and valuim somewhere during my mini meltdown, along with some of my liquid thc vape. That’s when I sat down to Google how to hit a nail straight and started writing this story. I wish I knew what time I started writing it lol I am pleased to say, that I am feeling much better now. Calm. Peaceful. More connected to feeling at home here.

I decided a couple of days ago that I really am going to give it my all here. I want to set my room up nicely to the best of my ability. It may be small, but I am so proud of how cosy I have made it. I want to be real friends with Sunny and for Sammie and I to get back to where we were. I am also aware, that she has a lot going on in her life and when she invited me here, it was clearly very different to anything I could have thought. 

If I had known it would be like this here, I wouldn’t have come. It’s that simple. But, in a strange way, I am happy I didn’t know. I truly believe everything happens for a higher purpose. I am learning so much about myself here. Both alone and not alone on the weekends they’ve been here so far. Plus me being here is new for them too.

Sometimes it’s ok to cry. And get frustrated. But as long as you don’t dwell in it, it’s ok. I used to struggle to pull myself out of my negative emotions. I was thinking about it last night actually. What happened last weekend (not just been) would have seriously affected me to the point where I would have left. But I am so happy I didn’t. 

This is my new home. For the foreseeable future. And Sammie and Sunny are my friends. I just have to remember to always focus on the good. I live in an amazing atmosphere with nature all around me. I am excited for when Boss is all better and the stitches have been removed so we can go exploring together.

I feel like I might sort through some of the stuff that needs to be organised on my bookshelf. As well as clean the fan and bring it into my room to try out. I still need to complete the shelf but I think I will look at brackets just to be on the safe side and see if I can find a charger for the drill outside to make life easier.

If you made it all the way to the end, good for you ☺️

4:54 p.m.