Each year that goes past, I think I think of something else. That sentene just went throught my head. My friend Eden is riight, writing with a pen or pencil is much easier than typing. Well it in the context of conscious challeni…

You have no idea how much i struggle with words. More than I seem to be able to get anyone in my reality to believe or understand. I obviouosly have no idea what ii’s like to be in someone else’s head. Now in our state of 3D consciousness. Had to use preddictive text for that word even though i use it all the time.

This is making me afraid. Even though last night I found the strenght and insigth to see everything for what it is at a higher level. It’s just that it’s too f*cking hard to maintain it. No wonder I hate myself and constantly think i am failing.

All I want is help. I deseve it just the same as the next person. I may not look like a traditional person on disability, whatever that means. But then again, I’m been keeping a very real, very public diary, or journal if you will, for 938 days now. Sure, today’s current and only very short video has no sound. Which by the way, is hilarious [not even spell check could do ‘hilarious’ straight away].

I need to call about my birth certificate. I also need to call my …………………. omg i cannot spell what i am trying to to save myself right now and well, well my instanct initial follow thought was ‘I give up, I can’t spell a word that is literally a type of doctor I have. The reason I need to call her is because I had the botox surgery in my bladder in February, this year, and I need to discuss how long it lasts, and such questions. Questions, I should know the answer to, but I never called her after the surgery at the time and I have no idea why. I need to messsage to get an appointment over zoom or phone with my tax accountant and get the paperwork together for that.

I had planned to do this today, however, I ended up having fun reading through Eden’s first few papagraphs of her first history essay.

The epiode os Mom just ended of my TV and it’s playing through my phone. I just opened my phone to change the episode [thanks spell check] and saw the the two Universe emails that I get to two of my accounts, I remember why I have two but have just never cancelled the second/first one lol anyway, it is / was exactly what I needed to see. This one hit the spot.

Laugh at everything for it is temporary, whereas we are for forever….

God almightly. All I can think about is Mr X. abs., as I like to call him. I could just call him Andrew, since that is his name, but it tends to get confusing, since I named my neighbour after him. The names in my stories are all just fake [not the word i’m thinking of, but, i cant spell it. god, i think in this moment if I could have anything it would be for him to see this so that i can say, I’m sorry. I’m so f*cking sorry. I was a bitch. A horrible, nasty, terrifying bitch. Cu*t if you will. Same days I write the words as they are, and others, I’m a little more conservate. Do you find that funny? I sure think it’s interesting.

It’s funny what a person’s mind can do when they spend long periods of time in isolation. Makes me think of the people in prison who get through in the “hole”[? I think?]. See, what I mean. Why am I thinking that? Hmmmmmmmmmm

Focus. Right. You see, most of the time I just want to turn on my live camera and start talking to you. I can and do obviously talk a lot. A lot, a lot. I know this. I created this website and then later, my youtube channel, for the purpose of this. I started looking at the keys and then kind of went crosseyed hahahaha

My new glasses make the distance for where my laptop is onmy lap, sometimes annoying. The laptop on my lap always feels like its either just too close or just too far away, depending on whether I have my glasses on or off.

One things for sure. Althought, I no longer type as well as I used to, I definitely type better when I don’t look at the keys. I remember classes when training to be a travel consultant. Long time ago now.

Where was I? It’s been eight years. I technically celebrate tomorrow aseight years off the stuff, since it was the 24th of July 2016 at approximately 4:30 am in the morning when I last smoked it. [Just typed the comletey worng word and now omg this is ridiculous. Here’s something I want to share. It takes me forever to read anything. If I knew how to type better I’d type the way I’ve seen it writen to express sarcasm. I may have a distinction in a bachelor of arts (psychology) majouring in philosophy on the outside, but on in inside I don’t feel like I manage anymore given how aware I am of ………… I’m sorry what.?. I dosed off hahahaha

By the way philosophy and psychology are two words that I still use predictive text for most of the time. Wow, do I get in my head. I always find it interesting reading these back, since, this really just literally jouneraling I just have to hit ‘publish’ to get any help out of it. I believe I have tried to explain this numerous times throughout my blogs and videos. Hmmmmmmm

I want to actually get some of what I’m thinking out. Silly overthinking, batty brain. Especially [can never spell this word ever by myself lol]. Andrew, yes, the real Andrew, [why do people call you Andy when Andrew is so much better? I often wonder this. I say it in my dreams. Last night’s dream included him, like most of them do, but , this time it was different. It only hit me later on in the day, just how different last night’s dream was to every other one I’ve ever had. Till date. Believe me, what I’m about to say next, does make me look ‘crazy’ in a very ‘superficitional’ way, like my mum has reminded me we live in, but last night, or really this morning, and I know, because I some how woke myself up smiling with his smiling face the last thing I saw in my dream. I woke up similing and so happy, I actually stretched and then got straight up and out of bed. All day, I have felt this amazing presence. I tidied my house and read through papers.

I’ve checked back into reality lol. My sister replied on messenger to let me know that my father and stepmother are staying with them from today until Sunday night. I am wrong. She has just clarified that they are staying with them over the weekend. Right now they are at my stepbrothers place.

My hands hurt so bad right now. I very much lost my train of thought since starting this, but i also feel differnent since then too. It’s gotten dark and I need to pull the curtains throughtout the house and heat up some food for dinner. I cooked and did the dishes earlier so I wouldn’t have to tonight. This constant overthinking when I know what I know through what I can fell [nope, no way i can even begin to try and explain what it is i actually mean here] yet I do it anyway. Driving myself bonkers. Like now. Right now the one thing I want to say since i keep thinking it. And, I mean really thinking it. Everyday. All the time. That’s why I’m so aware of what i’m doing, yet screwing up and unable to somehow fix it.

Andrew, I really want you to know, how truly sorry I am for every little thing I gave you shit about. Everything. Including your grammar in your texts. What the hell did I know? I was a high as a kite on ice and raging during those moments. The times when I huraled abuse at you.In person or via text or email. OMG, it’s just hitting me now how truly henious i would like if they were to come out. And yet, I know I’ve said some stuff to my camera. But I just wanted to hurt you. In every single possible way that I could. Because I loved you so so much. It’s eight years later since I put down the pipe but over a decade since meeting and falling in love with you. Do you rememmber, when the truth came out and you came up to say goodbye for awhile and we talked. You asked me if I wouldn’t feel like secind best when she divrored him and he came back. I told him no then and nothing has changed. No that’s not ture. Last night the dream changed for the first time. No, I am not taking it as a sign, or putting some strange random belief into now all of a sudden i’m going to hear from him, because I’m not. I’m just noting down everything I want to rememeber or is flowing out of me. I stopped, deleted and second guessed myself there. I don’t mean to. I think that’s why i want to vlog live. It gets me out of my head. Why am I so afraid? Afraid of what? All I keep thinking about it how much uni is going to cost and how i wish I hadn’t changed my health insurance because of uni and if I should call and find out if it’s not too late to go back [was changed as of the 20th of July], to see if it covers testing for dyslexia, because I think I’m going mad.

Since I started writing this post, who knows how long ago, all I can see in my minds eye is Andrew. Real Andrew. [I named my neighbour after him] In so many differnet ways. But freshly in my minds eye, well, there’s two, the one in my old house, the very first one I lived in on a farm [funny that lol] standing in my living room in his jeans and hoodie, and the image of him in my dream when I woke up. In the dream, Cassie and her girlfriends were having a girls trip. Or somthing. It’s a dream, anyway, I very distinctly remember the feeling of knowing their kids [his wasn’t even married let alone have kids when i met him. It’s a long complicated story on my end, ultimately I obviously still love him. Not quiet about this but also not in a “trying to break up a family up” way. We haven’t had contact in years and I vlog to the void that is the wonderful world of the internet.

That’s wherein lies my biggest problem. I want to share it all. Every last bit of what I have been through. I want to share it all. Do I need you or the next person to .. hmm come back to that start of that sentence and wonder if it comes across as ageessive? probably.. from what i can tell, a lot of my personal communication skills aren’t nearly as good as I thought. Once again, very sorry to anyone I ever gave crap to for bad grammar. Turns out I didn’t know shit.

In the dream, the kids were away and she and I are somehow at the same hotel, in rooms next door to hers. Or many they were apartments, because I am now also remembering that my family was there. Who of all appeared to know and like him like they had known him a while. It’s totally different on my side. I mean sure, I’m pretty sure my family think I’m mad regarding my thoughts and feelings about what fuels me to comtinue to keep doing better. It is the reason I start all this. Well, one of the many but definitely the most egotistical one, which is ironic because the biggest motaivating factor all those years ago [eight years is “all those” in this context I think lol] was “once I truly let go off my ego and expereience true ego death, that is when Andrew and I will rejoin again.” I mean at the time, I honestly didn’t think Cassie [fake name of course] would have children with him, but, I mean, who am I to talk?. Looking back, i obviously realise that I just needed to believe that to get to each new step that my life took me on to get me to where I am today at 7:05 pm, sitting on my couch. My back hurts too. Damn Liv, get up lol. But anyway, looking back, I can see everything for what it was and this is not just this situation but my whole life, it all had to happen as it did. Or as it is really. For we are the only creatures on the planet with the concept of time. On saying that, I still need to write/type things out or i’d never remember or learn anything.

The ending of my dream makes me smile, but, when I read of fro the next person’s perspective, especially those who in the interim appear to have lucked out [omg now i’m way too overthinking this because no matter what I say, I still lok like the bad guy. I can jusitify how i feel all I want. Though, on saying that, there’s nothign wrong with loving someone. See what I do. This is where shit gets hard. I actually do not feel bad for loving abs. And I never will. Even if I do meet someone new, this someone new would have to be fully understanding of this. I have no intention or interest more importantly of breaking up a family. He chose to rush through getting married after meeting me and then stayed married. I have to believe they are happy and in love. It’s been jut under eight years since I last saw him. I didn’t smoke or have sex with him that last time. That always makes me smile for some reason lol

In the dream, it ended and I woke up, after seeing her coming out of her hotel door, while he and I walked into ours. No one said anything. We all just nodded at each other. I should probably add for context though, that she is almost always in my dreams when he is, which is a lot and she and I are as friendly as you cab be. I would personally love to co-[arent and be one big happy family if they were to ever get dirvoved [maybe i am crazy, given how fast my mind goes to him being back with me? Eden says I don’t experience times like others. Thats why I am the way I am when it comes to Mr X. I think it’s more to do with the fact that this is as simply as I can put it, my life. Whether it makes me look crazy or not. But in my dreams, she and I get along. But for the first time that i can see, he chose me.

My god, I am slow. Anuone know how I am lelgally allowed to ask for donations for someone to fund dyslexia testing, so I can get treatment? This took way too long and I’m pretty sure I only got up once briefly. My curtains are still open. The back gate is banging, I really must fix that. God, my hands hurt and I’m super hungry 😂

holy moly. sorry for the grammar if you made it to the end. I’ll read back through this later 😆

7:22 pm