If I genuinely felt as happy for A.B.S, this day wouldn’t do this to me. Right? I’ve been here in this position for seven times now.

Eight whole years and anything can still set me off. I’m always so stressed and anxious about how I must look to other people regarding how I feel about him; I think up until this moment, I’ve forgotten to actually go within and check in with how I feel about him. Which, at first may seem really confusing to those who read these stories as I write them, literally knowing everything I think that I am able to document in real time. I will always love him because I know this. But I think in some way I have been shutting apart of myself off because of what I believe. I honestly don’t know any more than I can explain it, or I would.

I’m not sad or angry anymore. But I’ve always come into my bedroom, pulled the curtains, put my weighted blanket on me and my electric blanket on low to help ease my back, and vaped some weed. I have been looking forward to Knotfest Festival for months. Quite some time. Without fail, I always drift away from any people I may have arrived with. I think the only time I didn’t was Soundwave with Mr X years ago.

I personally think I’m just in a much more easily triggered state this days because something is right with me. Struggling to eat is obviously messing with me which will be affecting me in so many ways.

If I was going to be triggered about going to see Slipknot alone, when I know Mr X loves them enough to probably want to see them too, I think his 8th wedding anniversary makes sense.

It’s interesting though being here in this moment as I am at the level of self awareness I’ve got. Not to mention the multiple different versions of me all seeing each situation differently, I can now see where maybe I’ve been the most stuck.

I say that I am open to someone coming into my life and sweeping me off my feet, yet I constantly say because it’s what I feel, that I know I will be all alone.

I talk about vibrations all the time. Most days. It’s how we manifest. I am literally just manifesting more and more aloneness. I have honestly just never thought of it like this before. It’s like the penny dropped.

I will say my letter definitely was not in high vibrations. Full anger and pain was switched on there. But like everything else, once I’ve shared something it stays up. It doesn’t need to make sense to any of you. I am fully aware of what I am doing.

But this huge realisation came from being asked if I was free to study with April, who I have wanted to study with for so long, and yet of all the days, I am going to a festival. I mean, seriously, right. I think I’ll say thanks to her in real life and send this to her.

5:44 pm