Some weed, a snooze, and an orgasm have helped bring me back to neutral ๐Ÿ˜

Which is definitely better than how I felt better.

Must admit, I have the “sliding doors” options playing out in my mind about the other way today could have gone if I had handled everything better.

Sometimes it is helpful to see the other side so that I know for next time. And other times it just reminds me that I already know the other way it could have gone because I could see it as I was living the messy crying can’t breathe want to die one.

I am very happy I have therapy tomorrow.

I am very much aware of the fact that I can be judgemental and potentially hypocritical within myself, so, I don’t want anyone to think that I think I’m superior to anyone else because I don’t. Perfect example, I seriously hate smoking cigarettes and e-cigarette vapes, yet have an e-cigarette vape next to me and a packet of cigarettes in my car since I know I’ll end up smoking at work given my client smokes.

When I have days like today and share in the amount of detail I do, I can’t help but wonder if it crosses people’s minds if I am safe to work as a support worker. Because Iย  think at least some people probably think it, then I’m guessing a few do, I just want to say, for the record, I would never put anyone in harm’s way, especially a support client. I am 100% safe doing my job. Though when that starts depends on when my friend gets the paperwork sorted out. I double-checked wait uni friend April who told me about the platform and she said the service agreement absolutely must be in place before I can work a shift because of the insurance. As it stands, I am supposedly supposed to be doing a fill-in shift tomorrow so have messaged my friend again to let her know. In all fairness, she had surgery on Monday herself so I’m just waiting for her to let me know what’s going on moving forward.

It’s 12:22 pm. I could very well get up and have a shower and see if my friend made other plans or is still free and go and see her for a couple of hours. GPS says she’s only 37 minutes away which is nothing when you live in Melbourne.

I guess one of my biggest problems is allowing myself to get through how I’m feeling without it completely taking over and ruining my entire day. This is what usually happens. Now that I am typing it out I am realising yet again even more stuff that I need to change.

The thing that makes it harder for me to pull myself out completely and continue with my day is the fear that I am already feeling fragile and that anything could set me off. The last thing I need right now is to be triggered badly in front of someone. Even more so when it’s the first time I’m meeting them in person, especially when that person is 19 years old. I mean no disrespect by that, since friends can be any age (I personally don’t think age matters about most things, but I am someone who believes a huge age gap in a relationship won’t work in the long run, but this is just my opinion and not one I need to debate) but my point is, I’m nearly her age older than her. I have to be the grown-up. She was perfectly fine with me needing to postpone though so that’s good. She said we have so many days ahead of us to meet in person.

Right now, I want to write down how grateful I am that I have a weighted blanket and also that my uni friend reminded me of it last week, since I had put it in the blanket box and promptly forgot.

School’s PA system just went off. That’s how close I am. There are schools all around me, yet by simply closing my curtains it’s like daytime disappears. That’s probably why I like normal time over daylight savings time so much more.

The other thing currently playing on my mind is that my first class for this trimester is on Monday the 6th of March at 9 am, it’s Wednesday the 3rd now, and I am still yet to even open my unit, let alone look at the content I need to complete before class, for it to make any sense.

I just got up to pee, and immediately know that I made the right decision to stay home.

I’m going to get some juice and then go back to bed with my weighted blanket. They really are like a hug when you have no one else.

12:42 pm

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