I have my uni friends and talk to them quite a bit, so, it’s not like I’m saying I have no one, but, I don’t know why, but I am so aware of everything I am doing now and as it is I truthfully feel like it’s hindering me more than helping me, but, even as I type that, I know it’s happening exactly as it needs to. Right down to me picking up my phone to type this.

I have definitely distinguished between the people I am happy to share my sites with and those I shouldn’t for everyone’s sake.

Now that I have finally realised, by saying it out loud to people, this is literally just my very personal yet very public diary. I need to be able to get my thoughts and feelings out, but doing it privately, like most people who journal or, write in a diary, this doesn’t work for me whatsoever, if I’m not writing or speaking to others. I can’t explain why, but this is what I’m meant to do. I am here to share, and share is exactly what I’m going to do.

I’m at home sitting at my desk, sorting the never ending junk emails I get and don’t know how to stop from getting, besides what I currently do, which is ‘report as junk’ which then shows me a pop-up message saying ‘sender blocked’.

I picked up my phone to write this because every so often I get these emails from what says is the ‘Microsoft account team’ advising of unusual sign in activity’ in ‘Spain/Madrid’.

Just like with all the different OneDrive and DropBox and Google Photo accounts I have, I also have several Microsoft accounts and Facebook accounts. None of the Facebook accounts have been used in years, but I get the unusual activity emails from them too.

Anyway, I have no real idea how to determine if these particular emails are legitimate or scams. And I don’t know who to ask.

Usually, I’m pretty good at spotting a scam straight away these days. When you’ve been scammed by one of those long-time scam experts, you become better at it. Not perfect, obviously, given the recent incident of nearly being scammed by someone calling about my internet ip address security. Thankfully, I was aware of what to ask etc, due to what I’ve been through, so I realised fast enough that it only took a few hours on the phone with my internet company to reset everything to ensure my internet was secure.

It would have been sometime after July in 2015 when a person contacted me about investing my savings so that, if nothing else, I would at least be able to keep a roof over my head and pay my bills for the rest of my life. I had been working a a full-time corporate job before I had to go on disability. My salary was $52,000 a year at the time, and I was super proud of myself about where I was in life, aside of the fact that I was in a realtionship that never should have been, and the level of excruicating pain and exhaustion I lived with caused me to have to walk with a walking stick or crutches. I had bought my second home, after revonativng the first home i owned and making a decent profit. I was miserable on the inside but at least, according to societies stanards, I had everything one needs to be considered ‘living a great life’. From the outside it sure looked like that anyway.

When I was first put on the DSP back then it was approximately $19k, maybe slightly less. I lost absolutely everything. Not only did I have to sell my beautiful dream house in my favourite suburb, but I also had to sell at a considerable loss, and ended up with a debt that took until, I think, 2020 to be paid completely off. This is in fact due to the fact that the two of us were meant to be paying the debt back, my ex and I, but discovering that I had been the only person payin it for years. No wonder it took so long.

Content Warning below ⬇️ self-harm and suicide, ice use, long-term scam mentioned ⚠️

This person who contacted me about the investments pretended to care about me and my future and listened to me cry on the phone multiple days a week for many months, listening to me talk about how terrified I was about being on the Disability Support Pension at such a young age of 26, and not knowing how I was supposed to survive not being able to work ever again. By this point in my life I was smoking ice every day, never believing I’d ever be worthy of anything and spending all of my time that wasn’t with Mr X crying, smashing things, raging, self-harming and was 98% sure I was going to kill myself because I couldn’t live like that for the rest of my life..

The thing I didn’t know about these long term scammers are just how clever they really are. Which is unfortunate for all the good people in this world, and it’s the good people i hold onto, because, otherwise, what is the point of all this?? This world makes absoutely no sense and yet no one or at least not many actually stop and go.. what the actual fuck. Why are we doing everything the same way in the big picture sense, and yet, in my opinion anyway, making everything so damn confusing. Like i said to the lovely dentist student today, if people don’t stop and think, and nothing changes thats actually going to smake a differnece, a good difference, a hundred + years from now, we’re better of being taken like the dinosners. I can easily give multiple examples of what I mean, which I did, and she, like a lot of people, or, and I dont mean to sound agest but some things are different based on age, she was able to see exactly what I was thinking about. Her words ‘you really are a deep philosoher’. Yup, I know that. But boy god does my 3D human body do my fucking head in. I am stick and tired of being overwhelmed all the damn time. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

Ok, I vaped a little weed, have Tool playing on Spotfiy and just have sooooo many things running through my head, that I just can’t keep up. I think I had a few realisations when I got home from the Dental Hostipal, only one I currently remember, but it seems like a good one to make note of, and that is, it appears that I have to keep going in momentime or moving, I don’t know how exactly to explain it, but basically if I just keep doing something, it seems to help. Though I say this, because I I can’t belive this since I ended up putting them in the dyer anyway, but had to put the linen in the washing machne on rinse and spin which is the third time I’ve run a cylce on them, since I had washed them on one of those boiling hot days where they wouldn’t have dried in half an hour on the line yet, for whatever reason they didn’t make it out there. So, once again, they’d been in the machine for a few days, really hot day, wash them again, with power full cycle everything. Then nothing. They are currently in the drier as I type. I then put my washing on, did the dishes annd then sat down to login into uni and to check out my unit for this trimester, but, wanted to delete all the junk emails since a) they annoy me, would I wold love to know how to get rid of them completely, and b) I’ve always found that sorting emails from my inbox calms my mind.

I felt like it was wise to start with something that calms my mind yet keeps me engaged enough so that I do the other thing I want, which is to transfer the video I made on the camera to my laptop to see what it’s like and if the volume is different on the laptop, since all the way up, I can barely hear anything on the camera. I thought has just gone through my mind, one I think I’ve had before but am only registering now, but I think I vaguely remember seeing signs in a few of the stores like Officeworks and JB-Hi Five about IT services. Maybe you can hire someone to show you precisely what to do and check that your electronics are in the best running condition. That makes sense to have as a service available to people like me. I have just written that down on the pad in front of me to Google after I post this.

I do find it interesting when I stare so far off track from a story I am telling, like above with the scammer, to ending up here. I’m not even sure myself how or why this happens. Maybe to show you and I just how fast my mind is going and that I can’t keep everything straight myself.

I have just had a fascinating realisation: I make my videos the way I do and then share them without viewing them to keep them completely authentic, yet, usually when I have become aware as I write just how far I have veered from the story I started above that I started and didn’t get very far into at all, I would see if I can try and fix it by going back to where I left off and start writing from there again, pushing the rest of the post below it down that I would then come back to and try to end. Very confusing. In this moment, 6:37 pm 28/02/23 I have no idea why.

These blogs take longer to type then I imgine most people might think. My point in saying this, is that I genuiengly want to finish what I was talking about, but, I just no longer how the energy or brain power to do it. Truth be told, I don’t think I have the brain power or engery to do any of the other things that I wanted to, besides fold and put aay my washing so that I can hang out the load in the machine tonight. I’m not having a repeat of the towels lol.

I have written all the things I still need to do tonight down. I used to find to do lists helpful in the past. I may as well try using them again.

I do need to have an early night tonight if I can. I am going to see my new uni friend for the first time in person tomorrow and she’s 45 minutes to an hour away depending on traffic.

I have to use conten warnings when I mention particular topics regardless of whether I talk about them in detail or one sentence. It’s the right thing to do by people, pluss, I really did completely derail myself in the blog and I’m honestly not even totally sure or where, but I am in far too much pain to anything about it right now. I tell stories the way I do for a reason.