My video is still uploading even though it’s not quite 20 minutes…

Graham says I may have to restart my phone for the changes to take effect πŸ˜…

I’m lying on my couch with slight tears running down my eyes πŸ₯ΊπŸ˜’

I wanted to give Boss a cuddle while I uploaded today’s video and ended up lying down when he moved to the other one.

I started sorting through all the duplicate files and folders and came across some of the screenshots and pdfs from the messages between myself and Mr x.

What I read I don’t remember happening, given the dates on the messages, but in hindsight, knowing what I know now, I can see it all so clearly, and it’s hit me so hard my tears aren’t silent anymore 😭

I don’t know how to not love him but I now fully accept that I will never ever see him again and I need to figure out how to let him go 😭😭😭😭😭

Update: I haven’t moved and literally hit publish a few moments ago and then cried really hard until I realized that all I ever did throughout that time in my life, especially after everything that man did, knowing what the truth would do to me, no one has ever come close to what I endured with that man in reality. I don’t know all the facts 100% but based on what I know and the approximate age of his children, especially his eldest, what I just read for the first time in six years finally makes sense. But this is not on me. From the first moment I met him, all I asked was the truth. He lied through his teeth every single day constantly. The last time I even spoke to him, he lied again. At this point in time, I wasn’t aware he had children so I asked and even though there are photos that prove he did in fact, have children. Who the fuck lies about having children!?! Someone who lies about getting married, that’s who! Having to sort through all of my storage and are reading everything again for the first time in six years through this new perspective makes me want to tell my story even more, except this time, I want to tell all of it. It’s just to be written in a different narrative than what I first thought. I am lucky in so many ways when I think about it. What made me cry is that friends and I roughly worked out the date period when his wife must have become pregnant, and what I just read was a pdf copy of a thread of messages between him and I where I once again for whatever reason that isn’t in the thread, say that if her isn’t going, to be honest than I was letting his wife know. This was now approximately 13-14 months after their wedding, I believe, but I could be confused given how exhausted I truly am, but regardless of the semantics, what I read and the dates on them and he reacts once I send him the screenshot of what I had just sent his wife, there’s a good chance she may have already been pregnant when that all took place. I can’t help but think of her. His wife. Far too much. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I asked over and over and over again for for months if he was hiding someone. Every single time right up to, throughout, and after he got married. I can see now, in hindsight, how fucked up everything was. I hope they are both genuinely happy with each other. How she managed to learn to trust him again, I’m not sure, but on saying that, I’ve always thought I trust him again, or would, but now, reading everything back, I actually don’t know how one would go about learning to trust someone again when they’ve been living a double life for years.

Thankfully though, none of it concerns me and for the first in years I feel truly open to the possibility of meeting someone who loves me for me and would fight for me β™‘

Time to upload video to hear, restart my phone and then watch a bit more Netflix before going to sleep 😴

9:09 pm

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