Day 337: 11th December 2022 | I was so proud of how well I was handling everything today …

Until emotional dysregulation got to me, and won in the end. Once again, I looked like a complete and utter loser 😒

I can definitely now see why I have basically no friends.

Thankfully, with how everything went today and what happened, I feel disgusted with myself to the point where any part of me that thought maybe, just maybe, I might make a friend or two, in between meeting everyone and when I can actually join. Now, I am too embarrassed to ever message any of them again.

I have spent years trying to stop this was happening, but it still does. I’m sitting on my bed I’m tears writing this, because I’m so ashamed of who I am.

I don’t ever want to hurt anyone. It goes against everything I believe in, but I just couldn’t hold it together, I wasn’t able to stay calm.

And so now I cry for all the possible friendships that could have been before I destroyed any chance of that. The people at the picnic were lovely, but I don’t see my mind allowing myself to forgive myself any time soon. Plus, I no longer feel comfortable contacting Victor again.

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