I need to really remember to focus on reminding myself that I am far smarter and stronger than I ever allow myself to believe. I just don’t know why I do this.
I can do math in my head relativity well and answered the practice the exam questions in the seminar I was watching. It was the breakdown of the formula to get the answer that broke me. My mind immediately went blank. Then came the tears and the rapid spiral into the darkness.
Yet, once again it’s like I’m having the same revaluation over and over again but the learning doesn’t stick and therefore I keep responding the same way. This is beyond head fucking.
The conversation that happened in my head resulting in this post instead of already drifting off to sleep listening to my meditation 🧘♀️
Me “are you seriously going to let a university statistics class break you after you were capable of getting completely clean off ice and years of being on it, by using Google to get the information you needed and then in fact out into play and pulled it off, over six and a half years off ice without ever stepping foot in a rehab or detox clinic, basically just mind over matter, but a statistics seminar is making you fall apart???” .. . “Yeah I never remember or think about this as being important or counting for something”
And it’s true. I constantly feel like I’m fairly even though I know I’m not. All I know is, at least right now, I am so looking forward to the end of uni. I want to graduate and then do literally nothing for some time to process all that has happened over the years since the day I decided once and for all that I had to quit ice and start this journey.
I knew it was going to be tough, I just didn’t allow myself to believe that I’d be doing it alone for this long. But denial is something it turns out we can do without even realising. Back then when this journey started I guess I just had more faith in the person involved, or maybe more correctly, I didn’t allow myself to believe that I deep down did know what the outcome would be. I guess never really thought too far a head at the time but I also never thought I’d go over 6.5 years without seeing the one I love. Believe me, “moving on” isn’t happening. If I could ….
I’m going to stop here because I need sleep and I don’t want to talk about anything of that ⬆️ right now. I just got off track.
I’m exhausted and need to sleep 😴