More than anything, I feel dismissed most of the time

It’s 6:14 pm and I’m in bed. Boss is asleep next to me. The lights are off but it’s still daylight daylight outside so light coming in between the gaps in the curtains and from the light coming from Netflix switching between the names of shows while Manifest is paused ready to watch when I’m ready, well I think so πŸ˜…

The feeling of being dismissed is definitely there but I don’t have the words right now

I picked up my phone to start writing because I started seriously contemplating closing my sistes down and becoming a full recluse once again, but then I remembered that I had once told myself that the day I close these sites down is the day I decide I’m going to smoke ice again. Meaning of course that that will never happen.

Yet lately I think what I feel more than anything is confused. Why am I filled with this dark hurtful painful darkness that’s making me hate me? I don’t know. But I know something has to change. The only problem though of course, turns out being aware of something doesn’t instantly make it easy to fix.

So many good things are happening around me and I need to focus on that and let go of the fear that I am too fragile to do this. To continue doing anything. Life. Uni. Videos. Written Blogs. Or now what’s entered my mind in my downward spiral, questioning whether I do have enough energy to commit to joining Toastmasters.



Ok I think I feel better 😌

I’m going to watch Manifest on Netflix

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