I thought I was all alone.
But it turns out that there is a whole new level of being alone that I didn’t realise.
I did this.
I feel like a terrible person.
Of course I don’t have any friends.
At least now I know so I can stop embarrassing myself by trying to make friends.
I literally have no one to talk to anymore.
I had no idea that everything I was doing to try and be a better person wasn’t working.
I feel like a fraud.
If it wasn’t for the daily videos I make, no one would even know I exist.
Or stopped existing.
So, I am trying to focus on uni because otherwise, I am just so sad and angry at myself.
I’ve been at my desk since I made the video earlier and am working my way through what I need to do but I can’t help but notice that I don’t have anyone to talk to.
I messaged a couple of people who are doing the assignment too, because I guess needed to talk to someone about something, but now I just feel stupid and embarrassed.
And once again I’m in tears waiting for the valium to start working so I can keep working on this assignment.
Update: starting to wonder if I was wrong about so many things. Maybe I am lonely and I just didn’t realise it. Maybe I others see me as a freak and that’s why nobody wants anything to do with me. In person anyway. I feel so sad. I just keep crying. And the part of me who believes that I must pay for what I’ve done to cause all of this just wants to hurt myself. I truly thought I was past all this but since I’m not, it’s actually hurting me more than ever before.