I can’t stop thinking about the person I met at uni in 2018. I should be paying attention to my uni assignment, but since realising just how ridulious i have been being, given, I have known for some time that it’s not psych I want to do, yet, still trying to convince myself that it is, which aone goes against so much of what I believe in, though, I have clearly fucked up a lot this week, with me doing, so many “things that go against what I believe in”. Boy is it fucking confusing when shit like this happens.
My point, or at least one of them, being, that, since I am now accepting this and feel more aligned, I really just can’t be bothered with my reminding psych units, though, unfortunately that makes no difference, since I still have to pass them, to contine to study more philosohy degrees afterwards.
Right, where was I? Trying to not spend too much time writing a long blog instead of focusing on my assignment like I should be. Well, that’s out the window already hahahahaha
This woman I met in 2018 once told me she preferred interacting with me online than in person. I was “too much” as well as whatever else she said. God, that hurt me. I obviously had no idea and felt utterly humiliated. We spent a lot of time together when we had the same classes, and she lived in Geelong, where I was attending campus before Covid hit. So, when she told me that in a message, it hurt in a way I could never have expected. But, knowing, that she would rather talk to me via message, than on a call or in person, wasn’t something I could accept. That isn’t the kind of friendships I wanted. I wanted real, deep, genuine, honest, in person friendships. I know I am bouncy, and what most people call “high energy”, but, I am still me. I don’t know how to be anyone else. I told this person after she said this that I could no longer continue the friendship knowing this is how she really felt. She tried to take it back. Tried to say she didn’t mean it the way it sounded and a bunch of other stuff that made just as little sense as these two do.
I guess I just can’t help but see the pattern. It’s not just uni that I have woken up to. I am seeing so many things differently and more clearly now. I am so grateful I do not feel lonely anymore because that nearly killed me, but I talk about spending most of my time alone, and I have never been able to figure out why.
But I get it now. I can finally see. It was me. It has always been me. I am the common denominator in the equation. I first realised this just over six years ago. I thought I had changed. I feel like I have worked so hard at becoming a better person. And yet now, now, it’s like, how could I not see it before. I’ve been lying to myseslf about so many things. Of course I am alone. People don’t want to be around me. Once is enough. More than enough maybe. At least now, it’s almost like I’m too numb to cry. The tears are there, but I have cried most of my life. Just turns out that, it wasa me who was to blame for this total isolation, all along.
It’s 3:53 PM. I have massage booked for 7:30 PM. So besides having a shower, I will just keep working on this assignment until then.
Do you know what sucks, though, dear reader? The assignment still fills me with so much overwhelm; I still have to constantly remind myself to breathe.