I can’t help but wonder if I am currently living proof that certain tendencies aren’t literally playing out in real time…

Seriously. It’s like, I agree with the actions I have taken in the past couple of days, and yet, then, its like..

Do I?

Because I’m seeing everything play out as if it were a movie and two versions are playing out simultaneously.

This one I’m living.

The other..

What I now realise I may have been seeing all along but have never been able to get to.

When you become so aware of the different versions of yourself, well, I can only speak for myself of course, it becomes confusing.

I keep thinking of all of the people who are married to people after knowing their partner/s for such a short time, or, let’s say, the same length of time I’ve known the person I have ended a friendship with.

What would all the married couples have to do? Or more importantly, need to do?

Probably not what I have been doing my whole life and then wondering why I’m alone. I of course am referring to just ending friendships. Which as I write this and reflect and can’t help but notice that action doesn’t actually line up with what I believe. At all.

I believe that unconditional love for all is what our planet needs to survive. At a vibrational level. Everything is energy!

OMG how, how, how have I killed myself over something I do not want??!?

For so long now, I babe heard, “always the patient or the doctor” and it would make me angry and I would fight it. I would work harder. Push myself more. Break myself into a million pieces. But it’s not a bad thing. I refer to my life as an experiment constantly. I am a big picture person. I am a Philosopher! I’ve been saying it this whole time and! Obviously that is what I am meant to keep getting degrees in!

Yesterday I told Andrew when I saw him that I was a horrible person to someone that means so much to me. I told him it was the last thing I actually wanted to do, and I felt so bad for it. That I had meant what I’d said, but I don’t explain myself well, something Andrew also has a lot of experience dealing with, and so I did what I always do and said shit in the wrong context, making myself angrier and angrier.

He knocked on the door today right before hitting send on another message in response to what I woke up to, which I told him I was so happy and grateful about, yet, 3:17 PM after he left, I still sent a message anyway! I literally told him, “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all, right? so that’s what I’m going to do” because at that point, I was angry again and back to not caring if I never see or speak to this person again. Which again, in hindsight, I know is not true.

So, that brings us to here. Well, me and you, the reader, whoever you are.

I have changed so much for the good, this is true, but I guess I am still stuck in lots of different ways. My Higher Self is always reminding me that love and forgiveness is always the answer. Yet, just like the belief and understanding of Oneness before the actual connection took place, it’s like I can see what I’m meant to do.

Ah, just like I started this story with. The realisation. There’s been so many in the past few days. I can see the better version. The lighter version. I guess I just can’t fully see how I can move forward from this.

My head hurt. And my heart hurt. Thank God I have my psychology appointment tomorrow. I am very relieved. Group therapy starts next week. Which runs until the 20th of October thankfully.

5:02 PM. It’s time to eat.

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