For the record, I may not have read that specific thing before you “introduced” it, but it sums up how I’ve been living my life since my Spiritual Awakening. I am growing and changing, though. I have changed heaps in the past few months alone, but this friendship is online and therefore not an absolute true deep relationship, because how can it be??? You may not be seeing your friends in real life in 3D in person isn’t a big deal and is normal, and that’s fine if you are happy to settle for that. I, on the other hand, am sick of it. You act like I don’t know anything about the real world or what it’s like to have a full-time job and a child, so how could I possibly know or understand it’s bullshit, and I’m over it. I raised my stepson for six years! His mother was similar to Alana’s father, so he was with us most of the time. His father was nine years older than me and the complete opposite of me. We should never have been together but I was so lost and broken that I needed believe that someone loved me. That I had a family when in fact all I had was a house full of lies and two miserable people. But I worked full time. I was effectively a wife and mother full time. I owned my own home. Went on overseas holidays and still made time for my friends. Not one week went by without seeing friends. Yeah, covid changed shot, absolutely, but if you really want to do something, you make time for it. Everything else is just an excuse.
Above is what I wrote in an angry message: I am incredibly grateful I did not send considering what I already had. It wasn’t good. I got mad. And I mean, like, psycho angry raging BPD mad. I think that might hopefully put it into perspective for some of you. What I did say wasn’t nice, but I realised as I was writing the one above to follow up the last thing I said, “Don’t worry about getting a call for being a reference or ever making time for coffee or anything, ok. We are done. I am extremely proud of myself and how far I have come. You telling me I talk about the same stuff over and over again to the point it’s detrimental proves you don’t know me at all”. Now that I have written that out this time calming, I am seeing it slightly differently than before when I could feel the anger coursing through me. I calmed myself down while writing the end of the last one because I lashed out. After all, she wouldn’t stop calling my friend a “predatory old man”, which, as I explained, I do not understand nor necessarily agree with the age gap. Nope, that’s not true. I agree the age gap feels wrong, but, alas, if I removed everyone from I live who lived in a way that goes against my Highest Self’s morals, I literally would only have Boss and Sebastian to talk to. I realised a long time again I had to draw the line somewhere. Lies are it for me.
I do not and will never again or even really understand the notion of making someone “earn” your trust. Though given the world we do live in, my way of thinking when it comes to trust is what gets me screwed over so many times. Well, no, that was then, and this is now, and contrary to what some people think, I am most …
8:23 PM 8/08/2022 Time sent on WhatsApp
“This is bugging me, so I need to clarify something to you. I wasn’t judging you poorly, about your home. I felt sad and worried about my friend, whom I genuinely love as my friend, and that is why I asked you repeatedly to let me help you because you looked like you were drowning and could use a life raft. Some help. A friend. Because that is what friendship means to me, I hated thinking about you living like that because it can become so overwhelming it’s like you can’t breathe, and it’s easier to avoid. You don’t know me. Our relationship has always been surface-level. Because you won’t let me in, I can see how it looked different on reading it back because I was angry. I see how I switched and somehow ended up in a rage, but you are wrong about what you said. I know you don’t watch or read my stuff, so all you see is when I need a friend. I don’t see people because I am at home alone on disability—working on myself while sharing to help others. I have been called brave and told how much I help others by people from all over the world. The people who regularly follow my stories know me deeper than you. I am sorry for lashing out and becoming so angry. But from where I am right now in this moment, it had to happen. You thinking all I do is talk in circles to the point it’s detrimental, so you are always having to help me in a meltdown; it has finally allowed me to accept that I do love you and consider you one of the most important people in my life especially since I speak to you every day, but you do not know me. I write and make daily videos and blogs. Daily. Documenting my life. “Talking about the same shit over and over and over again isn’t work”. The fact you even thought this let alone said it, speaks wonders. I haven’t said what I did tonight, not because I don’t want to or didn’t plan to, but because you also have a fuck load going on. The difference is, I say it. All of it. To everyone. Every day. But I am sorry I flew off the handle”.
This was driving me mad. It has been a strange day, in general, before this even happened, and it has resulted in me having slightly stronger pain meds than I had wanted, but my pain levels kept increasing. Then when I became mad, I vaped some weed. Unfortunately, what transpired tonight is relatively mild compared to what I have been capable of in the past, but I am a different version of me who I was then. To clarify, I think of my life as ‘before the Awakening’ and ‘after the Awakening’ because it changed my life in a way where I see the world in a completely different way. I no longer eat meat. To list it more easily, I live a vegan lifestyle except for free-range eggs and the occasional chocolate—especially honeycomb at the moment. Though I did come across some vegan stuff online, I would like to try it at some point.
Right, the message above that I sent after I stopped myself from sending the one I first copied and pasted became the start of this blog because I stopped myself from actually sending it. Something I have been working on for years.
I have no idea where all the hours have gone today. I have been either reading uni stuff or at my computer all day. From getting up and having my first coffee until now, sitting on my bed, writing this, with Friends playing from my hard drive on my tv. I need to eat. I need to update my card number on my eBay account before I can place my order. I really need to complete my purchase. My hands have been hurting so bad all day. That’s what started my pain levels steadily increasing throughout the day. So, I’m guessing a combination of the day’s events has allowed me to type this out because, in all truthfulness, I am just in a calm, stoned, natural level and can type, so I am grateful. I am really thankful for a lot of things. At one point this evening, I thought making a video was a good idea. To talk it out like I usually do, I have realised since continuing to write this since coming to my room and calming myself down that I am grateful that I did not make and share a video. There are so many lessons always taking place on multiple levels. I was wrong and hurtful and mean tonight. It was wrong, and I know this and I have apologised. But, as bad as this may sound, we will learn much from it on a higher level. Well, I know I will. I can only hope they do. Staying stuck and refusing to try and help yourself is precisely the opposite of what I’m about, so having someone in my life who thinks this of me is eye-opening.
I don’t know where today has gone, but I am hungry and tired and need to rest after what has ended up being emotionally draining. I need to go and eat something and post this on my website. Writing it out has helped, but I am also happy that I sent the last thing I wrote because it needed to be clarified. I am not going to hold on to anger or guilt about tonight. Holding onto these emotions doesn’t help anyone.
The one thing that has stood out to me, though, yet again, as I have written and edited this over the evening, is that I feel so content and at peace writing because writing stories is what I was born to do—telling stories. Sharing my life, my innermost thoughts and feelings, and what I am doing or have done, like, in the case of this evening, I share it all because I openly admit I’m not perfect. That I fuck up all the time. I have to learn the same thing repeatedly, not because I want to, but because I have to. But I also know I’m not the only one. I share, so others know they aren’t alone. I share because I want to stop being a bitch. The last time I felt like I did today was in January this year, when everything happened with my family. I have worked incredibly hard to get to where I am. And this started because someone who is supposed to care about me won’t stop calling my other friend, who has been in my life for over ten years and has been one of my biggest supports, names. I am so hungry now; I am ending it here, even if it’s not finished and properly explained., the way it is. Oh right, I feel so good writing. The entire time, behind all of it, I’ve been thinking that I don’t want to study psychology anymore after this degree. I enjoy the weekly content, but everything else I don’t want to do it anymore. I would love to say that I am now entirely past having emotional breakdowns over uni, but I know that is, unfortunately, is just not true. No matter how much I want it to be. And I still have the end of this trimester and three left to go. I am over the stress of studying psychology already. Philosophy is what I love. I know this. You probably all, all know this. I say it all the time. I think it’s time I start listening to myself more. I have been focusing on self-compassion a lot this past week and am so bloody grateful that I have, given what went down today. But it happened, and I believe everything happens for the sake of our Higher Self. Everything means everything. Now it’s time to eat.