Who would have ever thought I’d write a title like that? Definitely not me.
I am trying to rise above this thought because I don’t want it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy by manifesting it. But at the same time, I still have to be realistic, given the current rental crisis, currently taking place in the present moment. Meaning that I have to mentally try to prepare myself for the possibility of living in my car for a few months.
I am so grateful I have a station wagon 🙌
Max asked me today about share housing, but I just know that I am not mentally stable enough to live with strangers. He then asked me if I had looked into commission housing, like government housing for low-income earners. I haven’t and am not even sure if I am eligible to apply, but I will look into it. But it’s years on a waiting list, according to someone I know who finally got one.
I’m in that sad, flat mood, where I am trying really hard to only focus on the good, but in all truthfulness, I feel sad. Which doesn’t align with my beliefs, at all, given I believe everything is happening exactly as it’s supposed to.
Ahhhh what a pickle…
I have had dinner and feel full. I just put my pjs on. It is 5:22 pm. I am 36 years old.
I don’t feel sad anymore, but I also smoked a bit of the second joint. I mean, I vaped between first joint and bit I had before getting changed and started this blog.
I very much have to quit smoking. Again. I’m still coughing up some disgusting crap. Not good or healthy at all. But not in the top three most pressing things I need to deal with.
The most important thing to do, in general, obviously, but especially in moments of stress, is to stay as present as possible. It is the thoughts that our egos create that go through our minds, causing the human race to quite literally, be out of their minds. Or to put it more correctly, stuck inside of our minds. We all do. You know that the same as I do.
At this moment in time, 22nd of May 2022, at 5:28 pm, I am lying in bed. Friends is playing on my tv from my hard drive. It’s interesting because it’s quite blurry on the tv yet looks perfect when played on the laptop.
Boss is lying to the right of me. I’m actually in bed to save power by not using the heater, and my laptop is on the stand, paused on this mornings video with approximately three minutes left on it. I had to turn oven off and put Friends on to watch with dinner, before I was completely finished watching it. I thought I would watch it then the next two after dinner but I don’t feel up to it.
I am trying to decide if I want to watch a movie. Actually, now that I write that, I realise I started a movie last night but couldn’t concentrate, which is how I feel right now.
I’m not doing a very good job of staying in the moment. This I must be honest with myself. My mind just keeps reverting back to all the things that I have to do now, and it just feels so suffocating with overwhelm, that all the chunking down I do to break it all up into smaller more manageable tasks, I can’t seem to stay there for long. But this is what anxiety does.
So, I am going to keep working on pulling myself up, so the black cloud currently following me around doesn’t get any darker.
High vibrations and pure beings of light. This is a what we are at our core. Me. You. Everyone. The darkness has been trying to swallow me my entire life, but I am strong, I am capable.
At 5:45 pm, I am safe and warm in my bed with my best friend Boss. I am full after a delicious dinner. I have water and weed, even a bit of chocolate from a gift.
Right now I am safe and secure and that is the main thing ♡
It’s now 6:20 pm and I have spent this time looking for a picture of my car, sorting pictures into albums in my new storage cloud hard drive. So, effectively meaning, I forgot about this blog for a little while there lol.
Anyway, I’m tried and Boss got into bed with me, which helped me to decide to turn my laptop off. I think I might check out the Depp and Heard trial on YouTube and probably go to sleep soon. Friends is still currently playing on the tv as background noise.
Goodnight everyone xx