I still have so much to do. Life carries on. And yet, I lay here, on my bed. Under the blanket with Boss, completely stuck in a strange state of limbo.
I have watched today’s videos back and I think it’s helped me see something..
We are all broken. The entire human race, in my honest opinion. We are doing all the hate and war and bad things to ourselves.
I have faith in us.
We are who can heal our world. We are literally the only beings that can. There is no man in the sky controlling everything. We are doing so, with every breath we speak.
I am my own worst enemy. Most of us are.
My inner child is so afraid. I have never once in my life felt protected. Felt safe. It’s no wonder I am so messed up.
And yet I struggle all the time. As I type this at 4:49 pm I honestly feel stuck. Like there is nothing that could help me snap out of this. I don’t feel sad or angry. Just stuck.
I tried looking at real properties but that only made me feel more depressed. Like, today is not the day to start looking. If I hadn’t messaged my landlord asking about the sign, I probably wouldn’t wouldn’t even know.
Faith is a funny thing really. But it’s it’s hard to believe when all you feel is broken. Like you don’t matter. I have never felt like I truly matter to everyone. I am so easily disposable.
So maybe that’s why I share. I don’t know. I just know that I am one of billions of people on this planet all dealing with your own version of hell.
I wish I had the answers for how to fix it that made sense in a way people could understand .. but even as I lay here and think about all the things I know and understand, I also know I would have not listened to a word of it in the past.
Right now, in all honesty, the most grateful thing I am grateful for is leftovers for dinner and the fact I currently have a roof over my head that has a microwave.
Yesterday was insanely jam packed. Even without this unexpected news, I was already feeling the extent of it. My pain and exhaustion levels are always higher following a day like yesterday.
So, I’m going to watch the latest episode of the staircase and eat my food and probably just have an early night.
Anyway, I know I am all over the place but again that’s why I share. This is real. This is hard. I am one of many. You are not alone.