Is everyone that knows me, ashamed of me?


That thought has now been going around and around in my head for sometime. Along with all the people I know who don’t want others to know they read this blog or remind me why there is no way anyone in a professional sense can know of this. I mean that has to mean, I’m someone or something to be ashamed of right?. Fucked of I know. Right now, all I know, is that, when I re read her message and can see that when told “I’m not sure our relationship is the best thing for me at this time”.

I honestly just don’t get it. I had not done anything of the stuff I admit I have done in the past, because I was at peace with where I was at in my life when I met her. So, I think in that sense, this hurts so much more because I know I wasn’t my old overtop self. I have changed a lot. Yet, those words hurt so much. Each time they even slightly cross my mind I start to cry. For once, I actually feel like I really was a really good friend to her.

But I know it’s not about me. She told me their relationship was an absoutel mess and they had almost goten divored. It was Pedro that wanted to her smoke some weed. I am only sharing this, because I do not want people assuming that it’s because I was a bad influnece, because I wasn’t. She truthly thanked me over and over again for how much I had helped their marriage in such a short time. Yet, now that she’s gotten what she wanted and needed, I’ve once again been cast aside.

And people wonder why some of us develop such severe and bad coping patterns. It’s to help us deal with what we are feeling inside. I have no clue what a neurotypical person feels like, but I can tell you all one thing, the level I feel my emotions is enought to make me proud I haven’t stepped on a bridge or thrown and electrical applicance in the bath with me yet. I have no plans to do this, but believe me, living with the thoughts ain’t much fun.

So, this is why I must fully absorb myself in these last four university units. Why I really need to focus on staying grounded. Learning and repeating myself as many times as it takes, because, once again I was thrown away, and I don’t know why. And that makes me sad.

Well, here’s one good thing, Grammarly is working on my website which is fantastic. Though, the microphone on my laptop computer is no longer working, for some strange reason. I followed the instructions on how to fix it, but couldn’t figure it out. Hopefully, I can fix it tomorrow.

Ha, I’ve just realised how ironic the whole thing is. The person who swore I’d never spend another public holiday alone, ditched me by ending our friendship on Easter Sunday!


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