I wish there were words or a way to really explain what happens during the episodes that take place, when the darkness consumes me. Perhaps some of the things I posted during that time portrayed what I was trying to express, I’m not sure.

As the light continues to creep back in and I can smile at more stuff (there was this one reddit video that got me to laugh during the slighly darker days) I can finally start to feel myself connecting to things around me again.

My house is clean, washing is done, I have spoken to my pain specialist again today, university IT department. There is something seriously wrong with my laptop and in the end all she could suggest was updating the computer and restarting it and seeing if that helps. It is still currently doing that. I think I might just buy myself a new one tomorrow while out with my mum and sister. I definitely need one.

Why am I writing this? … I can the light in the universe again, can feel deep within that everything is ok and will be alright. I don’t want to be relent on “things” to make me happy. Not university degrees, or other people or Mr X or anything other than me. In the truth of it all if you place your happiness outside of you then your happiness can be taken from you within an instant.

I have worked myself up to the point where I had forgotten the reason I started all this. All of it. I want to figure me out. I want to understand why I go so deep so fast. I want to figure out how to make it stop. There are techniques galore on what to do during these situations but it’s really hard to explain even as someone who lives with the conditions and studies psychology at university, but right now, there is still very much a disconnect between what I truly believe and feel when I’m “me” compared to what happens when the darkness consumes me.

Thankfully I am coming out of this. 5 days (including the day of the exam and lose of client) is a lot better than the old days. Yeah, I’ll admit the past couple of episodes, first week work then with exam have been pretty bad at least now I know a huge contributing factor to all of this has been being on too high of a dosage of dexamfetamine. Im actually happy to hear 10mg is better for me. I’ve been getting excruciating jaw pain and headaches for months on 15mg a day. Plus the bottle of 100 will last even longer.

Anyway, I am glad I am starting to feel more like myself again. Though I have only realised this evening that I kept saying I couldn’t connect to anything while in the darkness, which I guess is how I’m going to describe it from here on at. I’m diagnosed with Dissociation. Only just realising I’ve also been dealing with this too 🤦‍♀️😔