Let me start off by saying, I am sorry it ended the way it did. With the cops being called and each of us blocked on each others phone. I honestly don’t know what could have been going through your mind for everything to go the way it did, but I can’t help but wonder about you since I drive past your house every day I go to work or out. I mean you live across the street. You go to the gym at the end of our street. I used to see you walking there, or walking your dogs, but not anymore, not since that day.

I need to tell you what happened from my point of view. You played an interesting part in my story, and I need to get this story out of my system. I understand overthinking and anxiety, believe me I do. I understand smoking weed every day and wanting to have a drink at the end of the day.

I also know how extremely easy is it to make up stories in our heads. To think, feel or believe that people are saying/thinking/doing horrible things to us, when in reality we aren’t even a blip on their radars. I don’t know why we had to go through what we did. Or more to the point, I do since everything is a lesson. There is always a lesson. We were not meant to be in each others lives clearly, but boy oh boy does it suck that I was finally ready to start having sex again for the fun of it, given what I’d gone through with the guy I ended my celibacy for. And you are so sexy. So damn bloody sexy. I tell myself that you are no longer attractive after what happened, but that’s not true. You are. You are just really really frustrating. Anyway here goes how it went from my point of view…

I had been looking for a kitchen table in hard rubbish for a few months. My current table had a leg being held on by only one screw, and I knew it was any time that it could give way and fall to the ground. Sure, I could have bought a new table for cheap but I just prefer looking in hard rubbish when I can for some reason.

It was a hot day and my friend Kelly, her son Xavier and I had just pulled into the street after returning from the park. First thing I saw was the kitchen table out on the nature strip a few houses up from mine and across the street. I asked Kelly to drive up to it. I got out of the car and you were there. Standing in your driveway. I asked if the table was to give away and you explained that you had just moved in and it was there when you got there, so I was free to take it. I explained that I lived across the street and pointed to my house. You offered to help me carry it, which I greatly appreciated.

So the thing about me is, I say exactly what I think all the time. One of those “no filter” people. I’ve tried really hard to stop myself from being like this but at age 35, I think I am more inclined to just accept this is who I am. Thankfully it doesn’t affect me at work, which I guess tells me I’m far more in control then I would like to believe, so maybe its more that I just like saying exactly what I’m thinking in some situations. I can usually read a room pretty well.

So in the 30 or so seconds it took you and I to carry the table from outside your house to mine, I had already said “wow, you are so sexy! I honestly think you are the most sexiest neighbour I have ever had”. It was the truth. You are. But what I forget is not everyone is like me, so I didn’t think about the fact that you might think this is me coming onto you. Because I honestly wasn’t. I just thought you were hot, so I said it. I’m a big believer in giving compliments to people, whether you know them or not. It’s not hard to be nice. By the time we got to mine, I knew what you did for work, why you lived with your father and sister and that you had last been in a relationship 7 months prior. Ok, maybe now that I type that out, I can kind of see why it looked like I was hitting on you.

I asked you to please help me bring the table inside. You kindly agreed to help me. I asked if you smoked weed and liked to have a drink, since I had just bought half an ounce of weed. This was back before I was being prescribed it. You laughed and told me you were already drunk and stoned, and had been since you got home from work. Once the table was inside, I asked for your number to organise catching up for a smoke together.

I messaged you to give you my number and you let me know that you were going with your dad to your old place to clean it out and that you would be doing moving stuff for a couple of hours and that you would come over later for a smoke and drink.

See the one thing I will never understand, probably because I am the completely opposite,(this website proves that), is how people can just say nothing, stop replying and disappear.

I messaged you at approximately 7:30pm asking for you to let me know what time you were thinking, since I myself go to bed really early when I have no plans. I live by myself with my dog and my snake and since I have chronic fatigue and chronic pain, I don’t often see the point in sitting up alone in my house when I can lie much more comfortably on my bed. I have everything I need in there. I got no response. Ok, I think, he told me he would be busy, so it’s all good. I think I made it until 8:30 or 9pm before I messaged again asking if you had been held up and if you wanted to catch up another night. I was absolutely exhausted by this point, so I no longer even wanted to catch up at this point, I just didn’t want to be rude.

What you didn’t know was that I had been practicing celibacy for some time at the point. I had no intention of ending it for something less than what I had told myself about why I was doing it in the first place. I genuinely just wanted someone to smoke weed with since its not as much fun by yourself. It’s fun, don’t get me wrong, but I thought it would be even more so with you. Plus I have this fetish of watching. I love watching sexy things. And like I’ve said, I find you very sexy. I could have happily gotten stoned with you and just enjoyed sitting in your company since it was such a nice view.

I did not hear back from you that night and that was ok. You didn’t know it was one of my biggest pet pees and one of my worst anxieties, being ignored. Especially so, if I know the person must have seen what I’ve said. So, I thought ok, no big deal, he is obviously here, living on my street for a reason. This I knew to be true. If only I’d had a clue back then.

The day after I met you, I had class at uni on campus. It was the last on campus class before everything shut down due to covid. It was a philosophy class and since I’m doing a philosophy major, I knew a few of the students from previous units. After class, a male friend and I headed to the library to do some work. On the way, I filled him in with what had transpired between you and I the night before. I asked him for his advice on what to say, since I knew there was no way I would be able to relax until I at least messaged you once more. You know, give you the benefit of the doubt. I mean, we’re neighbours. I wrote something and showed it to my friend. He admittedly told me that no, what I had said was far too much, and that I needed to pull it way back and write something super simple. Ok I thought, I know this. I’ve known this for years. I over text. I text the way I talk. A lot. So I changed the message to ‘let me know when you feel like catching up’ or something like that. I honesty don’t remember because I wrote what my friend told me too. I got no response.

I didn’t hear from you again. It was so strange. You had been so nice and polite to my face, messaged me to confirm you did want to catch up and then just disappeared. Ghosted, is the word. I actually had to teach a few older people what this term means, since they had not heard of it, because it is a new horrible thing that people do to others. I live across the street and 2 houses down and you ghosted me. I couldn’t believe it. Believe me, I was mad. But I thought, oh well, that’s ok. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe it was a test or something. Oh that makes me laugh now. The more I write the more I see what was clearly shown to me all along.

Now back to you, my sexy, annoying, frustrating neighbour. You had ghosted me, and we had not crossed paths for a few months. Then one day, I was out walking my dog Boss, and we happened to be walking down your side of the street towards my house. You were outside talking to the man, I only knew up until then as the guy who drove me insane for letting his dog roam all over everyone’s yards and cause my dog to go nuts. You two were talking and I had to walk between you to get through. You smiled at me. You have the most beautiful smile. It made me so mad. I came home and immediately texted you. I told you exactly how I felt, how rude I thought you were. In fact now that I’m thinking about that moment I remember I said something to you outside as I walked past. That’s how angry I was that you smiled at me after ghosting me for the past couple of months. I really wish I could remember what I said to you, but I just vaguely think I called you rude to your face. That does sound like something I would say, if I believed it. I have since deleted all messages between you and I so I cannot check what was exactly said.

What I didn’t expect was the response I got from you. Because that I remember. You put me in my place and really well. Infuriating me even more. You explained how intense and intimidating I can be, that I had asked you so many questions the day I met you, that you had been busy that night we met and you just didn’t know what to say to me so instead chose to say nothing. We messaged back and forth for some time, before deciding that it would be nice to catch up for a smoke.

The thing was, we were all on lockdown. I had been following the rules because I am an essential worker. It was a Friday and for some reason that day I had gone and bought a number of bottles of alcohol to make cocktails for myself to have while I had a few joints. It was the Friday before our city was due to life the restrictions. It was also the 13th month anniversary of my celibacy. Which I told you. In fact, I repeatedly told you in the messages that we were not going to hook up. You just kept laughing and telling me you would see me when your sister and father went to bed, since you had to sneak out because they were also very strict about following the rules of the restrictions.

By say 10pm I was getting tired and already changing my mind. Up until that point I had been following the rules to the tee. By 1130pm I was exhausted and decided it was not meant to be, so got changed into my pyjamas and got into bed. Of course, you messaged me just after this. You convinced me it would be fun. So I got up and you arrived on my front door step. I opened the door and honestly wondered why I was playing with fire if I’m honest. It’s not often I met a man who I find so attractive that just looking at him makes me wet, so when you gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and sat on the couch across from me, I knew I had to stand my ground and it was going to be hard.

We starting talking, you chopped a mix, since I had joints rolled and you wanted to smoke bongs. You had bought a few cans with you and I had poured another drink for myself since getting up and getting dressed again. We talked so much. You told me things that you openly said you don’t normally tell other people. If it helps, you’re not the only one. I’d be seriously rich if I had a dollar for the amount of times I’ve had that said to me. I guess it’s my unique openness that helps people to feel so comfortable around me.

I was sitting on the short couch and you were on the long one which are at right angles to each other. You got this look on your face and then grinned and go “so are you going to make a move or what” I couldn’t help but laugh and again remind you that no I did not want to have sex. You were smarter than I thought though, since you reminded me that kissing is not sex, as you slid over to my couch.

Just writing about it is honestly turning me on, damn it! How could I not kiss you back? And can you kiss well? Of course you bloody can. So so well. Thankfully you were extremely adamant that you would not have sex without a condom, the first guy I have ever met who was, which impressed me no end. Plus I wasn’t going to throw everything I promised to myself out the window for the first sexy guy who shows me some attention. Especially given our previous interactions up until that point.

But as I suspected, you turned me on so much, that we did end up doing a little more than kissing. I wouldn’t call you giving me head and me wanking you off so you could cum on my tits, sex, but I guess it depends who you are asking. Sex to me includes penetration. This is just my stance on it, I do however, understand since being a philosophy major, that others might consider what we did that night sex, but each to their own right. I know you didn’t think we’d had sex.

I had to call in to work and change my shift from Saturday to Sunday, since you didn’t leave my house until just after 5am Saturday morning. Remember, you were freaking out that your family would wake up and see you were missing. You kissed me goodbye. Said you’d talk to me again.

I went to bed and passed out. When I awoke some time that day I told myself that I was not going to text you. That I was going to just leave you to text me. It wasn’t that I wanted to date you, or anything like that, I just wanted to know that I wasn’t just someone you were going to blow off.

I honestly don’t know what I was thinking when I look back, I just know that I developed a huge crush on you. All I wanted to do was kiss you. And yes I wanted to have sex, but I wasn’t going to give it up as fast as you wanted. I needed you to at least want to get to know me enough to want to walk our dogs together or hang out or something. I truly don’t know now. I guess I did want a relationship, or what I thought of as one at the time. I just knew that I was sick and tired of being used by men, and wanted a guy to want to get to know me not just fuck me. Hence the celibacy vow. My number was high enough as it was, I no longer wanted to add to it. Not in the sense of just casual sex anyway.

So I promised myself to wait to hear from you. I went to work on Sunday, and told my client about what had happened between us. This client and I are more like a two person support team for each other. Anyway, I told him that I had said I wouldn’t message you because I didn’t want to do what I always do and seem to eager and scare you off since, it really was so handy having you across the street. So sexy, tall, great kisser, great at giving head and fingering, I would have been lying if I said I didn’t want to have sex with you. Of course I did, but this vow was so important to me.

So, I left you alone. And I didn’t message. Maybe I should have? Who knows, because what happened next, with hindsight in play, makes me cringe. All I could hear by Tuesday the following week, yes, not even 3 full days was the voices in my head, my voice in my head, the mean one, the one we’ve all got, and all she was saying was that of course you ghosted me. You had done it before. How could I have been so stupid. Why had I let what happened between us happen. How could I once again somehow prove that I clearly have no self respect since us not having sex is really in all sense a technicality, because we did everything else, but.

All I could feel that morning when I messaged you was hatred, pain and fear for myself, because I had told you over and over again both via message and in person how much I hate to be ignored and why I was not having sex and what it meant to me. I guess you were just too far gone, stoned and drunk wise to actually take any of it in. Or maybe you didn’t care. But that wasn’t the feeling I got, but by Tuesday morning the silence had won, and so I messaged you.

I don’t remember the exact words, but I know it went something along the lines of ‘thank god we didn’t have sex! I can’t fucking believe I trusted you! Once again nothing. No text no nothing! Ghosted yet again!’ and I’m sure it went for longer but I honestly don’t know. I have sent more texts in fits of rage throughout my life then I care to admit. Maybe by writing this out, it will help me to stop. Sure feels like it is.

Obviously you responded straight away. Not once did I think of you or what you might be doing when I sent that text. Oh fuck, what is worse is that I actually did. I knew you would be at work. I knew you were a bricklayer. That was enough. I didn’t care. I have come a very very long way from who I was to who I am, but those moments when I feel that kind of intense pain in my soul and a hatred for myself I can’t explain, I deflect and react to whoever I want to blame for me feeling that way. Please keep in mind though, that is easy for me to say now, yet I couldn’t feel anything except what was happening in that moment when I was messaging you. I don’t need to write out everything that was said, we both know. It ended with you saying I was crazy and you were blocking me and me falling apart crying my eyes out on my bedroom floor.

Wow, this writing everything out is really showing me exactly what kind of person I have been yet been unable to see up until now. Also, I’ve just checked any I’m currently at 3540 words. Do people actually keep reading? I guess if the stories good and they are entertained they will. I would lol.

Where was I? ah yes, crying on my bedroom floor over a man I’d met twice and had just basically attacked out of the blue on a Tuesday morning sometime early in 2020. Again, I was too consumed by how I was feeling to even try to contemplate what you must have been thinking right then. Again, I didn’t care. During those moments my suicide ideation comes in on full force and it takes everything I’ve got to stay afloat. I always forget I’ve got this when writing out my list of conditions, how ironic.

Anyway I messaged someone who I’ve known for years who comes in and out of my life at random times and happened to be in my life at the time and living around the corner. At the time it was her twin brother who I was buying weed off. Anyway I didn’t have any weed and had been trying to get some since I honestly was in a bad way. I can’t explain to you what it feels like when you experience something like I did that day, and have throughout my life, but it is excruciatingly painful. I needed weed and booze. Thankfully my friend was available and showed up shortly after with both. I was still crying. As soon as she walked in she hugged me and I just fell apart. By this point I knew it was obviously more then to do with just you but you were the closest and easiest thing to focus my rage on. My friend and I drunk wine and got stoned and talked until I calmed down. I then read her my philosophy essay I was working on and after a few hours she left. I was beyond drained and went back to bed after this.

The following day I had work. With the same client I had spoken to previously. Well, he was my only client at that point. Anyway, I was so sad and upset, and angry at myself for once again exploding. For breaking the promise I had been making to myself for years, to breathe and not react when angry. Once again I had broken it. This is not an excuse, please don’t anyone think that, but some habits are really hard to break. Not reacting in anger is one of mine.

I couldn’t stop from crying on the drive to work. As always when I sink that low, I think of Mr X more then ever and even had to pull over to send him an email. Not that I have a clue if he gets them. He’s another story for another blog.

I knew I had to pull myself together before work, so took a valium and drunk some water and put my work face on when I got there. I told my client I was having a bit of a low day, and since he and I both have a number of the same illnesses, he was cool and understanding. I held it together fairly well until that evening. By then, the guilt for how I had messaged you was eating at me. I talked it out since I was working throughout the day and evening, so was still with my client. I messaged you to apologise. I didn’t know if you would get it or not, since you had said you were going to block me, but you obviously hadn’t based on your scathing reply. Which I completely deserved. But instead I got angry and threw my phone at the chair in my clients house. Yup, that’s what I did. Wow, I am learning a lot from writing this out.

I went in to the bathroom to calm myself down which I obviously had too, otherwise I would have had to leave because I was still in my clients house. He ended up calming me down and it actually ended up helping him in a way that he was able to help me, so in a way, I guess we owe you for that.

Obviously after that we had no contact for some time. Except for your friends really loud car’s and your parties, which, I’m sure everyone on the street can hear, I didn’t see you. I heard that you knew someone I knew and that was it.

Then one day I was walking home through the park, on the way home of someone I had been visiting, since the restrictions had changed by this point. I had Boss my dog with me. You were walking towards me with your dogs. Boss is massive compared to most dogs, and as you are aware, he goes nuts when he see’s other dogs. This is not because he is aggresive because he is not. He really does just want to play but unfortuanley scares most people off. Again as you know, since you distincally pulled your dogs closer to you, later admiiting that you were afraid that my dog wanted to eat yours.

I was not expecting to hear from you. When my phone beeped a couple of times after I got home from walking past you, I definitely didn’t think it would be from you. But it was. Short and sweet. Asking how I am. Then, if my dog wanted to eat yours or words to that affect. Light and breezy. So we started talking again.

Now, I’ll admit my memory is a little hazy of which memories blend into which until the latest one, so the next part of the story, based from my point of view, is that we started talking and added each other on Snapchat, as I had recently reopened my account.

That week we ended up going for a walk. You walked your dog and I came along, without Boss, since I knew he’d go nuts. You were drinking, smoking and had music playing on your phone. As we walked you old me more about your life. Showed me the music you like. Played me a song. You even at one point told me that if we had “just been sleeping together this whole time, we would probably be boyfriend and girlfriend by now” but you just couldn’t date someone without the sex first. Honesty, I found this so ironic since it is exactly how I used to be. Back before I changed. You even went as far as saying “I’m not a man, I’m a boy, and boys fall in love”. That quote is verbatim. That mean’s it is exactly word for word what you said. I remember this, because, I had never heard it put like that before.

So based on this walk, our interaction, and how you were in person, once again, I believed that things would go better for us. All I needed was for you do want to do something outside of just sex, and I would have had sex with you. I wanted it too. But I guess I was afraid I’d hate myself. Of course, when I tried to catch up with you a few times after the walk, you blew me off. Saying once again, you only wanted sex and if I didn’t want that, you could not hang out, because you do not believe men and woman can be friends without sex. I couldn’t believe it. But at the same time, of course I did. What was I expecting? You had been very clear from the start.

This pissed me off no end. Especially since you had called me out on one of my major values, that I had been denying to myself. We were on each others snapchat. I had been posting about cooking vegan dinners at work with my client and then days later posted a photo of shots with baileys, which is cream. You sent me all these links about dairy farming and how milk is made etc, which I found so ironic since you openly admit you only eat meat and hate vegetables. Yet you drink soy. Obviously after this conversation, given what I actually do believe and the fact that I know my values align with being vegan, and it was laziness and easiest that kept me being a vegetarian, I could only do one thing and that was finally align with what I believe and go full vegan. Other thing I owe to you.

Yet the same thing as always happened, and since I didn’t want sex without you wanting to message me and catch up, and you didn’t want to catch up or message me without sex, it all went pear shaped again. This time ended with my friend saying to me, “delete that mans number before he has you up on stalking charges. And delete all the messages too. If he wants you to have his number, he will message you again”. You did not.

So that was that. I no longer had your number saved. I knew I had it on a screenshot somewhere from something I had sent a friend but not right there in my face.

Skip forward, I don’t even know how long. 2020 feels like it went incredibly fast to me. Anyway, I’m having a drink with a friend and I get a random text. “Sex and smoke or nah”. I figured it was you, but I guess I needed you to know that I had deleted your number. I feel like I have grown so much in the past year, but this story is not even that old and it clearly shows how many things I have to work on and I should probably stay away from men and just keep writing for now.

Oops, went off topic slightly there. Now, where was I? Right, I was replying to your very short and sweet causal text asking for sex, by saying “I’m sorry, who is this? I do not have your number saved”. By this point I was looking for the screenshot, since I was fairly certain it was you but I wanted to confirm it too. You replied to me saying “oh sorry, wrong number”. Of course, I couldn’t help myself, so I sent “come on neighbour (name) of course not, why on earth would I want to do that”. It was only a few minutes later I heard you walking past my house talking really loudly.

Hearing and seeing you walking past me house talking so loud, obviously worked, since that started us texting again. If I am remembering this correctly, this did not end well either. I very much remember being so angry at you and crying and carrying on to my two friends who knew I was talking to you, saying how much I wanted to fuck you up. But when I read them what you had said, they were more on your side. I was definitely over reacting. Again, I did not care. I could not have taken my own advice if you paid me. I could not rise above anything. I was so angry. I honestly wanted to slash the tires on your broken ass ute out front of your house. Obviously I didn’t, since, wanting to become a research psychologist one day, sort of goes hand in hand with no police record I believe. Anyway, I was angry but my friends told me to just forget you and move on. So I did.

For a while I decided no men, staying celibate was the right thing to do. I have loved and will always live Mr X too much to truly ever be able to commit to someone else, I don’t believe in marriage and don’t want to have kids, so figured single was the way to be for me. Im not sure how long this lasted.

None of what I felt or believed in changed, nor has it, as at the time of writing this, but for some reason I convinced myself I could date someone, just knowing that it would not be for ever. Being honest about this too. So I installed the vegan dating app and started talking to someone. He is a whole other blog himself.

Anyway, you know how that story ends. With me talking to my psychologist for an hour and deciding I should have just been sleeping with you all along. She agreed. As long as I didn’t think I’d go falling for you, why shouldn’t we have some fun. Now by this point, everything to do with my celibacy vow was out the window, since I had broken it for the vegan guy. So, after the online appointment I had had, I messaged you the following..

“I should have just been having sex with you all along”. That started off the next round of us talking. You replied instantly asking why and I explained simply what had happened and that I was no longer celibate. You were hurt. You said you were gutted I hadn’t broke it with you. Sure, you may have been kidding, but it didn’t seem like it. I asked if I could pinch a cigarette since I was no longer kidding myself that I had started smoking again, but still needed to actually go buy a packet. I met you at the front of you driveway. You gave me a cigarette then the rest of the box, which had 3 in it. We talked until your mate picked you up to go get a bag of weed. You did not have a licence at the time.

We had planned to catch up once you were back but unfortunately you had to cancel since you had forgotten a mate was coming over. The following day we were texting and you walked your dogs has my house. I was watching the videos you were posting to your snapchat. I told you I thought you were so sexy. You didn’t believe me, So I told you my friend was at mine and that I had just told her I wanted to lick you all over. That was how hot I found you. You walked back past my house later on, and came to met my friend and say hello. We all talked, it was nice. You were are charismatic as ever, with that damn gorgeous smile. My friend liked you. We organised to catch up later on.

You joked that this time we would have sex. Given what we had been talking about, I figured that was a given. You arrived at mine later on, once my friend had left. and We smoked some bongs, and before long we were making out. That turned us both on, so once again we were back at it, all hot and heavy. Yet you had not bought any condoms. This I found odd. But I knew I had some in my room.

We moved from the couch to my bedroom, where I bought out the box of Skins condoms I have in my sex box under my bed. You said you thought they would be too small but tried anyway. We tried a couple but to no avail. I asked if you wanted to try the ones the vegan guy had left at my place, which I had joked about earlier on, since they were black. At first you weren’t so sure but given we both wanted to have sex, decided to give it a go. For some reason you could not stay hard. I didn’t think too much of it, given how much you had drunk and you did say the condoms were too small. I’m not a guy, I have no idea what they feel like for all of you. You had gotten me off so well, and boy that point I am usually just too tired and want to finish and sleep. So, I offered the same as last time, jerk off on my tits. This time you aimed more for the face than the tits, so it went on both. No biggie, I’m a pro, I’ve had that happen heaps, so I just cleaned up with the tissues.

You got up too fast, made yourself ill and ran to my bathroom and threw up in my bathroom sink. Even though I have been telling every single person that comes to my house, including you , that my bathroom sink is fucked so it’s not to be used. You clearly heard non of that, since you promptly threw up in my bathroom and then flooded it by using the tap. All i which I obviously dealt with after I got back from walking you home in the early hours of the morning. You were so fucked you could not walk home alone across the street.

So there we are, I think we are good. We message back and forth. Watch each other each’s snaps and organised to catch up again. This time you bring condoms, sine the last time, you had been so fucked you actually asked if we could just fuck without one, and I said no. Which you were really happy about this time round and thanked me for it. We talked about respect. I can’t believe it, it’s so funny to think of now. But there we were. I definitely thought we were on the same page, both happy to move forward having sex and catching up. That’s it. I was happy with that, having realised I had been going about things in my own life the wrong way perviously. The vegan guy showed me that.

So, we caught up again. You came over, this time bringing your own condoms. Three of them. No fucking around this time. We got straight to it. Same as last few times, you got me off so fast by going down on me and fingering me. There were more sixtyniners, more foreplay, but also the same issues as last time. This time it was different though. Once again you could not stay hard. That’s ok. I do not know what it’s like to be a man, but from my point of view, I was satisfied, I wanted you to cum, but I wasn’t going to say anything or give you a hard time. I didn’t want you to feel embarrassed. Yet it was becoming more apparent how frustrated you were becoming the harder you fingered me. I finally had to stop you it was hurting so much.

You told me you had drunk too much. You told me you need to be intimate and intimacy during sex, and then said something i couldn’t believe in the moment or even now as I write it, but you told me you had never had sex outside of a relationship, which obviously shocked me to the core, given what you had been like since I met you. Anyway, we were on the last condom and you were hard and fucking me and it was really good. I was definitely enjoying myself. And yeah I tend to be quite vocal, and loud and moan a lot, that’s what I’m like. I am one of the lucky women out there who can orgasm extremely easily and a lot from a number of different ways.

But then the next thing i know you are saying to me ‘stop faking. Stop faking. I know you are faking. I’m only semi hard, so you must of been faking”. To which I replied, that he had been hard up til he said that, and I hadn’t been faking but actually enjoying myself. You replied “Sorry, I’m all up in my head”. That was true. Last condom was gone too, by this point. I was tired. I was ready to stop, but I’ve always been the type of woman who believes in finihsing what i start, and if I got to vum, then so should you right. So I gave you a blow joy. YOu were enjoying it. YOu finally got to where you wanted to be and came in my mouth.

Now I’ve never really understood how women find spitting easier then swallowing, since one, involves holding the cum in your mouth and find something to spit it out into, and the other involves it just going back the back of your throat, no thought needed. there one second, gone the next. I do on the other hand, find giving head far more person than actual sex, so I didn’t always actually give head, funnily enough. Even more so given what happened next.

I have no idea what look you think you saw on my face in that moment, but it definitely wasn’t what you were thinking, I promise you that. You look at me and say “I can’t kiss you. I can’t get my own cum in my mouth, so I’m sorry but I can’t kiss you”. I was shocked to hear what you said, but more so since I hadn’t tried to kiss you. I was more just honestly relieved it was over, since I was exhausted. Butt the way you freaked out, had me curious to say the least, so I asked, if you had ever kissed a woman or a past girlfriend after they had swallowed your cum. You said absoutely not. Ok, each to their own.

But instead of it being over, the next thing I knew, you were sitting on my couch with your head in your hands. I had no idea what was happening, so I asked if you were ok. You told me I had really embarrassed you, judging you because you don’t want to taste your own cum. I tried explaining again that your cum was not in my mouth. That it had gone straight down the back of my throat. Though I’ll admit and say I did find it strange and disrespectful that you had never kissed a women after doing this for you, but it’s ok for us to swallow your cum. That’s something for you to think about.

Anyway, I told you I was sorry for making you feel bad and said that just because I had never heard f anything like it, didn’t mean you and your friends were all weird. Since you told me all of your friends are like you regarding this. I can not judge someone for what makes them uncomfortable. But I just didn’t care about it as much as you did. Before you left that night, after we got over the ‘no kissing after swallowing cum saga’ I said that maybe you might have a few things to work on and that could be affecting you but while you did that, asked how you felt about using viagra or something like that from the sex shop. You said you had tried those pills and they didn’t work, so I told you I would look into how to get viagra, so we could get one with having fun with each other. You knew I had just received my test results saying I was clean, and you said you would get tested too since we would only be sleeping with each other.

Once you got home, you messaged me to let me know you were home. I asked if you had noticed the art in my room above my bed, from the last time we hooked up in my room. You said no, so I sent you a video of them. You were in a good mood and ended that night with me, by letting me know I would hear from you again. As far as I knew, we were fine.

The following day I did exactly what I said I would do. I rung the doctors clinic that is not far from us,a nd where I had been going for years, before finding my new doctor. I spoke to a male doctor and explained everything that had happened teh night before us, and how much I needed him to prescribe you viagra so that I could get laid properly, while yu worked yourself out. He agreed. Do you know how hard it is to get a doctor to prescribe that stuff. Yet I had him agreeing to it, all you had to do was make the appointment. I sent you all of the information, thinking you would be so happy, but instead I got nothing. Ok, I thought, he is at work, he will reply later.

Yeah you know where this is going. Ignored for the entire week. No explanation, no nothing. Again. I could not believe it. I was furious. So I decided on the Thursday of that week that once I got home from work that I was going to walk to your house and ask your dad or sister to get you to contact me. What I probably should not have done was message you telling you I was going to do this. You replied, really mad, telling me I was threatening you. I disagreed. I just wanted to talk to you. I wanted to know what the hell was going on.

You finally tell me that I had made you tell too weird because I expected you to kiss me and you didn’t want to tase your own cum. By this point I was so angry and so mad at myself that I had trusted you when I knew not too. This caused you and I to text back and forth, getting worst and worst until I actually walked across the street to your house and came up to your garage which is where you were.

You started screaming for your father telling him the “psycho neighbour” was there. By this point we were both screaming at each other. You kept calling me crazy so I called you a rude cunt with a broken dick. I feel bad about saying that. For screaming it for the neighbours to hear. But the you started filming me, and posted it to snapchat, without checking first if I was still following you, which I was. I took screenshots of everything and did exactly what I had said i would do if you threaten me wrong again. I called the cops. I wanted you to learn. And posting a video of me on your social media was more then enough to push me over the edge.

So there we are. I called the cops. You called the cops. We both spoke to them at individual times on the phone that day. We agree we did not want or need an AVO on each other, which I am grateful for. I just can’t get over the fact that this all happened and this is how we ended up. Two neighbours living on the same street, both in their 30’s unable to say hello to each other.

We could have been having great sex this entire time, with the viagra the doctor was happy to prescribe, but instead I am back using my toys from under my bed, and the only thing I know about you these days, is when you have your friends over, because you are all so loud.

I hope you mange to quieten the demons in your head, because, the guy I met, who was raw and vulnerable and sweet to me, is in there, under the macho crap you guys often think you have to put on. Anxiety is mean and cruel to all those who deal with it. I am sorry for the role I played in attacking you, and I forgive you for all the hurt and pain you put me through too.