We opened the hate mail yesterday at approximately 3 PM. Merv swore he would absolutely do something about it. That it would never happen again. Just like he did the first time it happened.

It’s now 3:19 PM, so, over 24 hours and he is yet to “do anything”. I don’t believe he will.

I’ve just finished therapy. My first one in person since getting back from my year in Queensland. It went completely differently to how I could have imagined. Not in a bad way, just it didn’t end up all being recorded which has bummed me.

We decided to park at the back of the building even though it’s technically only for employees. The building is a big beautiful house that has been made into a clinic for psychologists.

So we were at the back of the house. We did this because I had called earlier to let Nicole know that we would have the dogs with us so she could come out and meet them. I went inside to let reception know to tell Nicole where we were, and used the bathroom.

After that I was standing in the kitchen making a coffee for both Merv and I when she walked in. It turned out she needed to eat her lunch (she eats her lunch during my sessions quite often depending on her day because she knows it doesn’t bother me) so she came out back and met Merv, Jackson and Happy. She loved the dogs. So much so that she just started talking to me like she would in my sessions.

I hadn’t planned to start discussing anything until settled in her room with my camera on. I had actually planned to have my appointment myself without Merv and had already told him that. But we ended up talking to the point where I realised that I just needed to get my camera and turn it on. Given we are outside and where she was standing from me, I don’t even know if the video will be any good.

I did tell her that I hadn’t planned to have my session in front of Merv because I’m having issues that involve him. I did get all of that on camera so that’s good. She offered me to go into her office if I wanted to but by that point I didn’t see the point. Plus talking about Merv made me cranky so I wanted a cigarette.

ADHD sucks arse!! Is basically the best way to sum up how I’ve been feeling lately. Even with both Elean and Nicole telling me what I already know, I am still struggling with not letting everything get to me.

How I’m feeling today is being greatly affected by the fact that I was woken up at 6 AM with the sudden need to vomit, which I did. Ever since I’ve felt quite ill and nauseous. It feels like there is a pit in my stomach and throat. Merv has gone into McDonald’s to get a coffee frappe. He asked if I wanted a soft serve. Originally I said no but changed my mind since he was going in anyway. I gave the end of it to Happy.

We’re now 10 minutes away from Bunnings Melton where we need to return a rubbish bin that was way too small for what we need it for. I knew that at the time bit still bought it. I seriously don’t know what is wrong with me a lot of the time.

But through writing more I am feeling more like me. I need to write. I need to get my thoughts down so I can see them instead of the non-stop constant thinking that my mind does.

I’m going to upload my therapy session video now. I’ve been typing since we got in the car so I’m not talking which Merv seems to be noticing given he has initiated conversations twice if you can believe it. I know he is trying. I know how beautiful he is. I didn’t mean to sound as angry as I probably do when discussing him. Hopefully it’s not as bad as it felt.

More than anything I just need to do the simplest thing there is in the sense of just letting everything go. Let it all go, Liv. You believe in this. You believe in yourself. You know you have got this.

I love me, and all of you ♡

4:10 PM