My memory had wiped it clean. I don’t have the recollection but I know that it’s true. It was who I was.

I was not a good person. I was out for me. I don’t really understand so much of what I did back that.

I had no idea what I was dealing with back then. This is no excuse. It is what it is.

I’ve been so focused on helping myself get better and healing my own trauma that I don’t think I’ve ever actually tried putting myself in my sisters shoes.

Just typing that makes my whole body tense up and I immediately have to blink back tears.

I can’t breathe. Trying to. I mean Merv and Paige are having a conversation about contact sport in front of me.

I drifted away from the conversation after receiving the drunk call of a lifetime from my sister and her partner.

She finally told me what I did. The worst part – I don’t remember. Or at least I hadn’t. It is starting to come back to me in flashes.

I imagine with the way everything is happening in my life right now that in a relatively short period of time, the memories will be back. I have to know. To acknowledge my sisters pain. To apologise. To take accountability.

I don’t know how to feel. Except sad.

I am glad that I am not alone. So, very glad.

But I know that even though I love my sister so much, I understand why she obviously has not and will never forgive me for what I did.

Which is, getting the time line wrong in my recent 52 minute video. I thought it was a really loving video, once again because I love my sister and her family and that I want in my life.

She screamed at me that I abandoned her two weeks after her and her first love of her life and her broke up. That I said that, “I didn’t want to pay half of the rent.” God, that’s disgusting. I don’t understand it. Especially since she said that I said that and then moved in with my father and step mother. None of this makes any sense. And I’ve always been confused about as to how I ended up living with them.

I don’t have all of these memories. This is the truth. But since she has screamed and yelled at me in such a way where I could literally hear the pain in her voice, my heart is broken for what I’ve done.

I would give anything to go back and make a different decision. But at the same time every decision has led us to where we are.

I finally understand. And it is going to take a long time to process and try to get my head round how the phone call went.

My sister and I have been messaging throughout the day like normal and I have been so happy.
I feel like an absolute idiot. I literally said to Merv and Paige, no more than half an hour before the phone call.

Which seems so stupid and pathetic now, considering how the conversation ended up going. In a direction that I could not have foreseen.

For the first time in my entire life, I sat there in stunned silence, mouth open, tears welling, hearing what my sister was saying.

Hearing the heartache in her voice. Her pain. Her sadness. And it has broken me. I can now completely feel it. She has let me in.

And I’m broken. Because so much of that is literally my fault. Everytime that thought hits me, my whole body physically reacts in a full body shudder.

It’s 11:54 PM and I may have to accept that this is the last day she ever speaks to me, and that breaks my heart. I’m so so sorry ♡

11:55 PM