Everything has just suddenly gone from good only a  few days ago to absolute shit and I have spent all day hating myself. I’ve literally stayed in bed all day except to use the bathroom and have a cigarette.

Then right after making this video, I see a missed call with a message to listen to. I called back. was the coordinator for the client I have been hired for weekly. Turns out the funding isn’t available, which makes absolutely no sense since that is all checked and confirmed before being able to use the platform. So, I’m really struggling not to take it personally. I was so happy and excited about the job. I truly thought it would be long term. I’m so sad. I immediately burst straight back into tears. It just feels so personal. The coordinator was the one to call even though I had never spoke to her before today.

This is the last thing I needed. I was slowly pulling myself up to get back to me. I was looking forward to Thursday. Now I feel like I had spiralled too far again. I no longer want to leave my room.

I am so incredibly sad. Constantly wondering when I’m going to be good enough, but knowing that I never will be 😭

5:58pm

UPDATE: It’s 8:10pm and I just got in bed. I am extremely fatigued in every single part of my bodh
Probably because all the previous things I’ve been up to. Plus, I obviously know I haven’t done anything wrong, it just happens to be considering with something else.

Anyway, Merv and I all good. I just need me time. Other people get it. I’m out of ideas how to explain. Anyway, time to crash.

8:19pm