Merv finally went and saw Dollar Man this afternoon for a number of hours. When I asked how it went when he returned four hours later, Merv said he wanted nothing to do with me. Blamed it on smoking weed. The “drugs” that I use. Which is absolute bullshit, given he never had a problem before.

Merv only stayed that long because I told him not to rush back. He didn’t want to. But he said he did because of what I said. I haven’t stopped crying since making this video. I feel so broken. Even though Merv let me cry on his lap while he stroked my hair. I have cried so much, I threw up.

I feel so unbelievably sad and heartbroken. I am becoming afraid that no amount of working on myself is helping. I thought I was ok. Until I wasn’t. And now more than anything I feel lost and confused with no idea what  to do. I love living with Merv but I no longer feel the same about where I am. I thought I was making friends but now, aside from Merv, I feel completely alone. And I don’t even have a fur baby of my own.

I’m going to sleep now. The two xanax I took earlier have kicked in.

9:32 p.m.