This is not how I could have imagined today in my wildest dreams. In no world could I have dreamed what was about to happen with the man I met on this very date ten years ago. A man who I assumed would be here all these years later. Even in that moment. That night and all into the next morning, we talked. It was like coming home. Sex was forgotten about for hours as we learned everything we could about each other. All but the one thing he was hiding. Of course he was. I must accept it.

I have to let him go. I just wish I knew how.

I have accepted this over and over and over again.

I have to leave the state. I have to go.

I just no longer know what to do about uni. I still want to study, but I’m starting to think that taking the rest of the year is the right thing to do instead of rushing into it. This somewhat decent dip in my emotions has highlighted that it might be a good idea to keep this step back and plan my trip to my friends’ farm. I made dinner but didn’t eat it fast enough before it got cold.

I’m sorry for scaring anyone yesterday. I’m just really sad at the moment. I knew I would be extra sensitive around these dates, but I tried to convince myself that I wouldn’t. I love his whole family. I try to focus on that when I’m sad about myself. I don’t want to be angry. That’s probably why I didn’t want to make the video. Because I have to be honest with myself, and I’m hurting.

Some days, I feel so happy I can’t understand how I can feel so sad. Me, myself, I can’t understand. And yet here I am. In my head thinking that I would give anything in the world to speak to the one I love. Because more than one person can love someone, and this is where I’m at. If I’m meant to meet someone who I can love even more than this, then that will happen.

But like I said, I need to move. I need peace. I need a friend I’ll see in real life weekly. I’m not totally sure what I said in the video. Thanks for being there for me.

7:48 pm