Unfortunately, that includes not managing to live according to my belief of always coming from love.

I reacted badly to being told that once again, my sister in law was choosing to cancel our plans and tell me she only wants to text and video call because she doesn’t want to upset our siblings. It has nothing to do with them if she and I are friends, but it’s been 11 years, and it’s the same thing. I burst into tears and cried so hard for so long. I truly thought this time was going to be different 🥹

Neither of us has many friends. I have been so happy having her back in my life, and her message telling me she doesn’t want to see me because of them crushed me. It just bought back every other time she has done this to me. I’m am so hurt. Just writing this makes me want to cry. I thought I had my friend back. Someone I can actually see in person. But once again, I was wrong 😢

Can’t help but wonder, what else am I wrong about? 🤔

In the meantime, instead of all the things I had planned to do, I got stoned and am watching The Big Bang Theory on Netflix.

My university called me again this morning about my application for the masters degree. I definitely have a good feeling about being accepted. I realised yesterday  that I never received any follow-up calls or emails when I applied to go the first time in 2017. I remember writing the original personal statement all those years ago and that I started and saved my application back then, too. So, being contacted almost every day since starting my application is rather fascinating 😄

I really regret not stopping before reacting this morning. I even remember my reminders, “Always come from love,” and QTIP (quit taking it personally), but I was just hit with overwhelming pain and sadness and anger at myself. I sent a message apologising but it doesn’t change the fact I have learnt this lesson over and over again. Or I guess I haven’t since it happened again 😔

Maybe this is another lesson in being lonely. I was so happy to have someone to make plans with. She is on disability too, so she is in the same situation as me. She contacted me out of the blue on Mother’s Day, and we’ve spoken every day since. I feel silly and sad.

I know I have so much to do but and things I genuinely want to come to think of it. What I would do for my own personal driver. I want to smoke more weed and dare say I’m going to, but it would be nice to go to the pools, chemist, and mattress store but obviously don’t drive if stoned. It wares off relatively fast given the amount of thc in my system, but I have a feeling I may stay on my couch for most, if not all of the day 😅

11:31 am