I’m going in waves. I want to cry and yet I want my confidence back. I feel so lost sometimes. Maybe that’s why I’m not rushing leaving for this trip. I’m not even going to Knotfest I’ve decided. As much as I want to see Distured live, and I really really do, I was exhausted and in so much pain by the time Slipknot got on the stage last year. My phone was dying and my anxiety was raising and I didn’t even stay for the full encore.

Days like today drag me down and highlight all of the things that i just keep doing wong. I don’t want to be this person anymore who flips out, but, I can only be pushed so far. I have been asked many times why I allow this woman to stay in my life and I just keep saying it’s because I feel shes supposed to, but, today, combined with the last time she was here, pushed me over the edge.

The last time she was here, was when I’d been up for two days with approximately one hour sleep [from sorting house] so when she started going off, I told her I couldn’t handle it, and asked her to leave. At the time it was what I needed to do. I did text her a couple of days ago though to see how she was feeling, and she replied as normal and organised to meet up today as she was going to be near my place.

This morning I woke up so anixous I couldn’t get out of bed. I slept until the heat, the pain in my back and my bladder wouldn’t let me stay in bed any longer. I immediately put the evaporative cooling on and filled Boss’s water bowl with nice fresh water. The anxiety did not go away so I took a valium with my morning meds, made a coffee and sat on the couch and put SVU on.

I have to watch season eight on 7Plus, which does not have a ‘continue watching’ tab on my tv. Thankfully, I am halfway through the last episode and then I can go back to Netflix which skipped season eight for some strange reason.

I had been seriously considered postponing Ellie’s visit since I woke up but kept putting it off.

Halfway through watching, there was a knock at the door and I looked out the window, didn’t see her car, felt relief, which I did not know until now, and reslised it must of been Andrew, which is was. he immediately made me feel better. Feel like me. I felt good when he left. It didn’t last long. I came back to sit down and watch more, even though I know I need to get certain things sorted asp, since I’m thinking this trip and time away is obviously what I need, but, I need to do it right so that I feel safe while I am away.

I asked Irvine to please come past on his way home since I was feeling so bad, and gulity and needed to talk out whatjust happened because I was so upset. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I can only be pushed and pushed so far.

I’m human too.

5:46 pm