I talked myself out, and now I’m even more tired than before 🥱

It turns out I don’t believe that the saying “coming from love” applies to everything, or at least not when someone is telling me how to look after Boss when they know nothing about him or his medical history. I honestly just want to cry when I think about it 🥹

Boss means more to me than anything 🥰

The feeling that comes with the implication that I’m incapable of not doing the right thing by him crushed me. I did respond with what I thought but removed the messages. I don’t believe they were seen, but I don’t know. I explain most of it here 😐

Now I’m just tired and hungry. I’m going to eat something, watch some Netflix and go to sleep 😴

Goodnight Everyone xx

7:22 pm

Update: my phone is out of storage to keep using this, so I hope this posts so I can sort it out tomorrow. I noticed a few days ago that there’s a month last year that only has three posts, and I have no idea why but I am proud of not freaking out.

I want to get to a point where I don’t feel the intense anger that I do when triggered, which is obviously what happened upon reading my friend’s message. I know and understand that anger is a secondary emotion that covers pain and sadness, but I have BPD, and my emotions are fiercely intense. 

I love my friends and can’t stand that I live a life that counteracts my beliefs and values. People keep telling me it’s all about emotional regulation and I’m help but feel like shit because that is what I’m trying to figure out. I don’t want to be this way.

Before I was completely unaware of so much of what I did or thoughts around any of it.  Now I am much more aware but being aware doesn’t give me a magic switch fix everything inside my mind.

Anyway I’m so tired I’m lying on fold down couch with Friends on the TV in front of me. I had a delicious dinner and was going to put the series I am watching on but can barely keep my eyes open so I may just go to sleep. I feel like me again so that’s something.

To my friend, if you see this, the message very much upset me. This is clear, but I do get where you were coming from. I, however must share my truth. This does not mean I’m mad at you because I’m not.

Night x

8:39 pm