Also, there are people out there in this world dealing with far more health conditions than me, so every time you dismiss me and tell me that you don’t believe me you are also dismissing and therefore affectively calling everyone like me or in worse situations a lair, which is horrible.

I am starting to think it really is because it’s easier for you to believe I’m lying than acknowledge that your own mental health contributed to so much of what I deal with.

Perhaps staying in denial is easier, which makes no sense because I have no ill feelings about my childhood. I know and believe you are mentally unwell yourself, so I don’t blame you for putting us through everything you did. I believe it all happened as it was supposed to.

But just like you said about me having a choice, so do you. You either love me enough that you want to be in my life fully accepting me as I am or you don’t. I just can’t deal with situations like this anymore.

I love you more than anything, mum, but I wasn’t stressed about anything when I called you, I just wanted to explain what was said.

For the record, austic people on the high severe side of the spectrum truly do not know how to put themselves in another person’s shoes. I did not know that either, but I was wrong and happy to accept it

I don’t expect to hear from you again for a while, given that this has been your pattern throughout my entire life when you don’t like something you don’t agree with.

I was really hoping that at 71, you’d be more open to a real relationship but it is more than apparent that you only had children because “that’s what society expects” but it wasn’t what you’d hoped for and maybe that’s why we don’t have a relationship beyond anything superficial.

I was already very nervous about you staying with me, so I am glad this happened before you booked your flights. One of the reasons I am so proud of myself making it all the way through my degree is because I have done it while dealing with everything I do.

I have spent years in therapy trying to learn how to validate myself and accept that it doesn’t matter what I do, I am never truly going to get your approval.

I love you so much, Mum. I wanted you to be at my graduation ceremony, I really did, but every time you tell me that you don’t believe me, especially how you say it, it hurts and mentally affects me in a negative way.

I really want to send this to you, but I think it’s probably best not to and to just post this on my website that I will never tell you about.

It’s 3:22 pm on the 7th of January 2024 and I am yet to start studying for the day for my assignment this coming Thursday the 11th and yet now I feel blah after that conversation with you.

But I better get to it now, better late than never 😅

3:27 pm