I find these two ↕️ laws somewhat confusing, but from what I’m taking away from most of this information does appear to be more in regards to using music in a predetermined way. I don’t know, but I do know, this channel is a lot of things but trying to make money isn’t one of them.

My YouTube subscribers have dropped. When you have less than 400 I can obviously each time I gain or lose a follower. This website and my channel truly aren’t about making money. They’re about keeping me sane. Or as sane as possible. I have every intention of making a living doing what I love one day but that day is who know how fars in the future. For so long I have bent felt like I’m running in life. Hmmm I want to share but I can’t type as much as I think..

Thank you to all of you who follow me here on my actual website. This is the site that matters more to me. I only created the YouTube channel after reading an article that said it was better to upload videos that way instead of directly to my website. In this exact moment, I cannot remember why.

Going dark for two days was enough to know that I never want to go dark again. It really hit me yesterday exactly what word I had used. Dark. What it is that I believe in more than anything? Light. The light. I am grateful though, although I think shocked beyond believe is probably a better way of putting it given never in my wildest .. I just dropped my phone, talk about having a point driven home…

Yesterday I lay in bed staring at the ceiling for several hours before summoning up the energy to read posts on Reddit until I became too hungry to ignore at around 1:30 pm.

The biggest thing for me is still the lack of suicidal thoughts. But it’s bigger than that I finally realised yesterday, it has been my security blanket for the majority of my life and yet now it’s gone. There are so many emotions around this, but I have just now realised the biggest one is fear. No wonder I have been living in so much fear for what feels like ages and yet now I think they probably align.

I have never been afraid of anything because I couldn’t be. I’ve had to look after myself my whole life. But I have never been afraid of death. I have welcomed it with open arms for also three decades. Long fucking time. I also believed if it got to a point I’d just say, see ya all later..

That’s not there anymore. There’s no backway exit gate. I am here and probably for many years to come. Of course I have to make the most of it. It’s just that, when I feel so good I forget how hard it can be to do anything when feeling down.

From Friday till now, Tuesday, I feel like I have been through every emotion. On one hell of a roller-coaster. I am thankful though. I see cleaner. I need to share.

I just want to help myself grow and am now thinking that the way to do that is to live stream, both talking to you all or just letting you watch me as I go about my day.

7:49 pm

I’m listening to Rocky Horror Songs on YouTube ♡