Food, Friends and Boss has definitely helped.

So, has reading Reddit for hours in bed before finally getting up to make coffee and cheese toasties. I hesitated when making the second sandwich but made it anyway, and wish I hadn’t. It seems to be a common theme lately, making too much food.

I also have reminded myself that I really need to always take my medication as I’m supposed to and not stop without talking to my doctor. Though I am so bad at adulting by myself that I haven’t gotten up at a regular time or gone to bed same time so I have not had a routine for taking my meds in years. Worse than that and even more embarrassing is my lack of routine in washing my face and brushing my teeth twice a daily regularly. Let’s just say, I literally am failing in so many areas of life that it’s no wonder I struggle sometimes with how alone I am. I feel like all the effort in the world is helping me. No that’s not true, today is proof I’m getting better, I guess it’s just not as fast as I’d like. Part of me just wants to be done with this degree since I can always feel that hanging over me.

Boss is helping me with the sandwich 😅

Now he wants the rest lol

What would I do without Boss 💗

I think I need to be honest about something with myself right now, saying that making daily videos aren’t working for me is not exactly correct. I think I just know that I do need to try and get my lack of routine sorted and use the time I’m supposed to let my rib heal and I just feel shame, and embarrassment in regards to feeling like I have no one to stay and help me and I start focusing on all that makes me sad instead of all that makes me happy. Yesterday I went from feeling so good, so happy, and so full of love to crying my eyes out, hurting all over again because I snapped and got upset with the Uber person who delivered my groceries. This in turn led me to spiral rapidly resulting in me becoming numb enough to the point where I decided I wanted to make the videos so that I wouldn’t feel alone. To help others know they aren’t alone. But this broken rib has broken my happy feelings of late. I should of had four weeks propped up in bed with my arm strapped, finally allowing myself a solid month of rest. Maybe if I still had friends who wanted to visit me. Maybe if I had help in keeping my house clean and washing done. But I can’t relax in mess and with no one to help I have just been doing everything myself. I have a phone appointment with my doctor tomorrow, I’m sure she won’t be happy. See, now, I want to cry again. I just even type about how feeling this alone while needing help heal properly because it makes me so sad.

With Grant and Andrew having disappeared, Juice having a partner, three kids, three dogs and a full-time job, Cassidy being basically a kid who lives with her family, I am more alone than ever. I guess I never realised how much of a difference having even just one friend in person makes such a difference. So, right now I am in tears, scaring Boss away, because I miss Randy, I miss Mr X, I miss my sister and everyone else who’s left or been pushed away, or poor Randy, who died. The only friend who genuinely really liked me in reality and he died. The irony is not lost on me.

I don’t want to be this person who doesn’t know how to stay calm, cope or even adult properly. I feel like such a loser I just want to disappear myself.

And bullshit like this just makes me want to quit my job even though I’m on medical leave because of my rib. I am glad I can speak to my doctor tomorrow.

I guess I don’t need to question whether I need to be on meds or not, do I.

2:08 pm