I feel like the silence around me is deafening and instead it’s like inside of my mind is screaming 😫😫😫😫

Why???

That ah …

I know why

I already started talking about it

And yet my fear just made me delete the message and photo I most recently sent to the group chats. Well the two bigger ones so far anyway. That was when I was able to stop myself and start typing here instead.

This happened Friday night too. I share far too much with students who probably don’t care. This latest fear was due to thoughts such as, you’ve overdone it again Liv. Probably overwhelmed a bunch of people in the process. I thought I was good at reading people and helping others now I can finally see that I am not. I constantly make everything about me and I don’t even know how let alone why!?! So, that combined with the fear thought of someone is not going to like this and say something, made me remove the messages which now just makes me feel stupid and embarrassed. That’s ego. Fuck ego. Ok I’m going to shake this shit off. It anyone asks me why in the chats. The answer is simple.

Overthinking and anxiety made me do it. There was not a single emoji or anything so I dropped into fear and did what I always do iin fear, I retreat and sometimes where possible I remove whatever message may have caused it if possible.

I have uber picking up my coles shopping right now so I should probably pay attention. Oh it’s very cool, chatting with the person doing your groceries 😁😆

Anyway, I have basically gotten all of the liquid out of the slow cooker but theres still a bit of substance I want to try and press to get as much as possible out of it all but my hands are really sore already. I am not wearing my sling let alone keeping my arm still. My doctor is going to be so mad. She was extremely strict about what I have to do for my broken rib to heal. I live all alone and yet never have I ever felt so truly alone. See there’s my problem. The fears not related to anything in my life in reality but it’s sweeping into everything.

God I’m an emotional person. So many goals and no structure no help no follow through. Except for this degree I guess. I am so close to being finished. I am excited for this day to come.

All at once I’m exhausted. And sore. I got my period yesterday and I hate it and how much worse it makes me feel.

I guess I’ll have a look at what needs to be done, leave what isn’t urgent, which is basically everything other than sorting out oil out. I had to use a taller pot when I realised the strainer was in the bottom of the glass bowl I usually use so I have to transfer it but mostly what I care about is being able to get stuff I no longer put away.

I think I might do my groceries on uber eats forever from now on. What bliss.

I’m on my bed, oil still as yet to be sorted but I’ve pulled all the curtains in my home, turned up my heat, put Netflix on in my room where my electric blanket is on since it feels so good on my sore back.

I choose to be grateful. I am so lucky. I know this.

Just wish i didn’t show everyone how um self conscious i apparently still am like I sid today. Bugger

3:17 pm