The videos aren’t working for me the way i need them to. I will continue to make them, for sure, it’s a daily diray, you don;t just stop something, esspiceically something important ljust because you realise you need to up it, and that’s what I’ve realised I need to do. But I want to do it right and I’m not there yet. Or more to the point, the set up isn’t ready or even started. I have messaged Juice to ask if he can help me create one and go shopping with me for the necessarily parts required to do it right. I love this site yet still feel shame when I think of someone I know asking to see it, because, I still talk about it, again, because I am super proud, until someone who I may continue to from commuincate with, say at uni in group chats, where, I’m sure you can all appreaicte I’m very thinking.

Ok, so, since I realise I need to write, that is where I am much better at experiencing my feelings, or at least I used to think. Since finding out about having ADHD and very evidently dyslexia (I can’t fucking spell this word and it does my head in!!!!! thanks Grammeraly) I second guess literally everything and don’t totally know who I am anymore. Which is when because so far this story has not gone at all how it started in my head before deciding that I need to stop everything that I am doing and write. Not pick up my camera and make a video only to more than likely not even fully make sense or have endings to all stories. I’m aware. More, so, of not knowing what god damn day it is lol or where exactlky I messed up to go and back and fix everything since then.

I’m sitting on my two-seater couch; legs stretched out on the coffee table that Abs made me, with a cushion on top, surrounded by the booklets I have made throughout university, of all the different unit notes. I may; I have been paying for this degree as I go, so I wanted to have access to all the content I have paid for. I am extremely happy it worked out this way, though because I am about to start my second last unit, which is already paid for, and therefore only have one unit left to pay for, and I have the money to pay for that already, so by the time I have finished, I will at least have a double university degree in philosohy and psychilogy and be debt free, so that’s pretty bloody awesome.

I’m been thinking a lot about how much fear I’ve been living with and I honestly just dont know why. But I have realised it is built up of so many things but the only riding fear has always been that for me to truly be myself, that version of me, is childish, and romantic and sappy, and belives in uncondiontal love, a fairytale world that is reachable. Not in any of our lifetimes, but it is reachable just the same but we have to wake up. I know I have here as a change maker in this world. I understand that I am here exactly as I am because I choose to be to help wake this plant up. I fell in love a long time ago. This has only ever grown but never dimeshioned. I no longer even know if I want to share the full story in its entiry anyway, as the love I feel far surpasses anthing that we lived through. I draw on this feeling eveyday. I love being in love. being in love with someone who is also loved by another, does not make be a bad person. It is what it is and all the dating and “moving on”, “plently more fish in the sea” or whatever else our world tells us is necessary, otherwise, I look crazy. I am happy to look crazy. This I have finally decided.

I am always coming from a place of love, but holding myself back, questioning my sanity, purpose, reasons, beliefs, and myself in every single way; well, I guess it has led to this. Whatever it is, I need to write it out. But I feel this could be one of those long stories written over a few periods. I say this because it is now 1:33 pm on the 11th of June 2023, and my house does need a vacuum, booklets put away, washing done and folded. Still, the most important thing right now that needs doing and is why I am going to post this now is because, I have had the trim cooking since Friday night. It is now Sunday and I need to turn the slow cooker off and now put it all through the cheesecloth and drainer into a bowl to get the beautiful weed oil out off it. Talk again later xx