Aside from an hour this morning between 9 and 10 am, I slept for most of the day. Woke up at 4 pm. Scrolled on my phone for an hour and a half getting up to make toast and coffee both of which are still not finished.

I feel more sad than angry, so it’s interesting to me how angry I become relaying how I’m feeling. It will be interesting to see what my therapist says tomorrow when I tell her how I’m feeling regarding the bs email that my not at all friend sent me trying to inflate herself telling me I am disrespectful and not a team player as well as so much more. Every single part of me wants to walk away, no amount of money is worth being made to feel this well. I have gone out of my way since I took on this client and this is how I am treated in return. By someone, I thought was my friend no less. I feel so betrayed on every single level. I have lost every last bit of trust or respect that I had for her.

I am not shy about who I am and what I think and believe. 483 days of making videos are sharing them on YouTube and my own privately paid for website without even viewing them first to keep them truly authentic, which is the only way what I am doing works by the way, proves that I am happy to say what I think and I hold myself to my bullsh*t but one thing I am extremely clear on is how I feel about trust and honesty. Once someone breaks my trust it’s gone. I don’t hold grudges but if it would take a lot of effort for me to trust someone who breaks my trust but this email that I have received crossed a line that I honestly just can’t believe, especially when most of it is distorted and incorrect.

Interestingly enough I am starting to feel better from just writing this which is nice. I am focusing on the good and that is I have only responded to the email the same way I would regardless of who wrote it and was professional in doing so. I have not messaged her or anyone else about it and have only vented to all of you and here I’m just a face and a name. I’m a nobody just like everyone else. We are the ones who make up the population, it sucks that the majority of us all feel or have felt blah, flat, sh*t, unworthy, unwanted, and unloved, so, even on days when I think this is the most ridiculous thing ever making videos every day even when I just don’t care about anything and want the world to fade away so I can just sleep in peace, I remind myself, it’s because of how easy it is to allow myself to spiral. Working at rising above your demons takes hard work. I of all people know that, but, I know that sometimes even seeing someone doing something small can help another feel like they have done enough, are enough.

Today the only thing I have done is feed Boss biscuits and refresh his water, make toast and coffee, both of which are going cold while I write this. Though, I ate some of the toast but just can’t stomach the rest at the moment, and make this video and well write this long description which I’m not even sure anyone besides me reads. My point is, not much at all. But these videos are important to me so I am proud of not giving up ♡

6:28 pm