I didn’t end up falling asleep until approximately 7:30 am yesterday, Tuesday the 7th of March. Yesterday was the day of my dentist appointment, though by the time I made yesterday’s video at 4:33 am, I think I may have confused others by saying the appointment was “tomorrow” when it was actually the same day.

It wasn’t like I intended to stay up that long when I knew I had the appointment, it just happened. I guess I was just too wired from working on putting all my notes together, which is why I couldn’t fall asleep until around 7-7:30 am. I had no intention of missing my appointment given how much I needed it, but by the time I fell asleep, I did not hear a single notification or alarm or anything whatsoever until woken up by knocking on my door. I dare say if Andrew hadn’t woken me up, I would still be asleep now at 12:11 pm on Wednesday.

He thought my dentist appointment was today based on my video yesterday, side note, bloody happy I made the video when I did or it would have been missed, so he came to wake me up. So sweet! I am very lucky to have Andrew as my neighbour.

After going through some of the blogs I’ve posted, I think the one I’ve been waiting for people to comment on, and I woke up to more missed notifications than I can remember but this wasn’t one of them, it appears that I didn’t upload what I was thinking of in the first place. Though I also was wired and stoned by the time I was posting the blogs I’m thinking of 😆

When I talk about having imaginary interviews with myself, I am referring to all the questions I can think of that could be asked in relation to some of the stories and pictures I post. Based on the society we live in, I imagine there are people out there who would happily judge me poorly given what I share. It is these people who perceive people like me, who openly talk about things most people wouldn’t dream of in public, that I imagine in my head asking me 101 judgemental questions and advising how no one will ever hire me etc etc that I am talking about when I reference imaginary interviews in my head. These either take place before or during posting the more “naughty” and again, nothing naughty to me, I just say what others think, the pictures that I do. My point is I still post them all meaning society’s negative bullshit regarding a woman’s self-esteem for example is just that. Bullshit.

I openly admit I have used sex and men and all sorts of stuff in the wrong way in my life. It’s because of what I’ve lived through, that I am the way I am. Even just using the phrase “in the wrong way” needs to be completely unpacked for me to be able to fully explain what I mean. But that’s not for today.

I think if I just shared the Master’s and PhD degrees that I want to do, everything would make so much more sense. It definitely does for me, but, I can’t help but think of everything else I have shared that I have changed my mind on. Again, I will clarify here, if for no one else but myself, sharing and changing my mind is fine, this is after all just an online diary. I use this website to pour my heart and soul into it to help keep me sane. Or, more exactly, to remind me that even though I am just one person who spends most of my time alone, I still matter in this world. If sharing like this helps others know they matter even if they are all alone, then sharing everything is worth it.

I guess I’m just becoming increasingly aware of everything so much these days that I am also now aware of all the things I have known deep down yet not accepted at the time, so I have shared something that deep down I guess I knew would never come to fruition. The one that comes to mind is wanting to specialise in working with LSD and MDMA, and psychedelics. I semi-consciously knew that I didn’t have the underlying understanding in biology and all the science areas that I needed to be able to do this. I just convinced myself I would be able to figure it out. Also, as strange as it is, and I have to admit, even I found this peculiar, to begin with when initially told by multiple specialists, apparently, it is normal and happens to most students, and that is, forgetting almost everything you learn in your undergraduate degree. In fact, at the beginning of most units, it is really common for the lecturers to say something along the lines of “welcome to unit …. I am sure you all enjoyed your break and are ready to get back into it (uni). I now that besides what you wrote your assignments on, you will probably have forgotten everything else you learnt in your last trimester”. That actually makes me think of my second year at uni in 2018 when I decided to go to the mentor groups run by third year students who had received top grades in the unit topic they were providing support for. I think it might have been the second week of this, when I asked a question about what we were learning, and the student running the group and is paid to do so I will add, replied that she had no idea as it had been ages since she had studied it herself. I think that was the last one I attended.

Anyway, I have double and triple-checked the requirements need to apply for the Masters and PhD degrees that I want to do, and I meet the requirements easily. As I’ve said in a few videos where I have mentioned knowing what I want to do, these degrees do not require an honours degree. This means I could apply to start my Master’s degree in the new year of next year. As it stands, though, I still currently want to do a Philosophy Honours and tie everything all together. The simple reason for not sharing is because I want to actually be accepted into the degree first.

It’s now 1:26 pm. I am still lying on my bed in my dressing gown. I ate some food after Andrew left since I needed to take my meds and the vitamin I take in the morning makes me sick if I don’t eat when I take it. Then I started writing this because my insides were in so much pain. It appears as though the Implanon in my arm that needs to come out is messing me up badly. I feel like I have been experiencing the worse period of pain nonstop for a month. Everything is out of whack and the pain is excruciating. As soon as Andrew left, I heated my new heat up toy to help ease the pain while I waited for the pain meds to kick in. These are special meds used solely for this, and some Nurofen. Then I started chatting with April from uni on messenger for a while before returning to finish this.

Besides how long I ended up sleeping, I think I absorb more information in the evenings than during the day, so I am feeling okay about uni, so that’s something, especially since getting the first six weeks of notes put together. I am really proud of that. April watched the seminar yesterday and said it was very similar to the lecture which is cool. Once I have published this post, which I’m going to admit right now, I doubt I will read back until later, so sorry in advance for all of the grammar mistakes I am sure it has; I am going to have a shower and then make a start on uni. Before anything, I am going to check if it is worth printing out the seminar slides, which it might be, since the seminars are where we learn what we have to do for the assignments and software.

I’m not totally sure if I have finished everything I have started talking about here, but by now, I think most of you are probably used to how I share.

This website and my youtube channel connected to it will always be used the way it currently is. For me to talk to and get everything I need and want out of my head and either onto a written blog like this or a video.

I’m going to have to call the dental hospital at some point too to explain not showing up yesterday and to book another appointment. It’s 1:44 pm so time to publish and get in the shower 🚿