Boss is mad. I can’t say I blame him. I haven’t left my room since I came back and caanelled my day out given I was meant to go and see my friend. Not only that but the uni friend who is helped me so much given how confusing I find some of the simpiest stuff now adays. Without her and my amazing tutor, there’s no way I reckon I would have passed the class or at least with more than a bare mimium pass. Boy am I glad that I came to the realisation part way through trimester two last year when Randy died, god I fucking miss him, i would give anything to be able to video call him and talk about our days for hours on end. No wonder I m so sad. I don’t want to scare of my new friend. She is beautiful and we genuiley are friends, but till date, we only know each other via message and video calls. I want to see her in person when I feel like me. The real me. I don’t know who this version of me is but I can’t cope with it. Nothing makes any sense anymore. I know exactly what needs to be done to stop all this madness and yet for the last fucinng 7 years I’ve been trying and i just can’t get there. anf then I get mad and angry and i do all the things that I am so against. I am exactly like everyone else. I know this. I’m just choosing to share it because why the fuck not. I have had enough of this world we live it. It feeds my darkness and I would say most peopl who have seen me raging and i mean really losing it, would all agree I am terrifying. Because I know what I am capable of. though I beleive that applies to every o e pf us, it just takes a certain set of circumstances and someone who would neveer have believed it possible can kill someone.

I dont mean to go dark, and my god have I been overthinking this thing. I write and share for me. I do not want to promote this. i dont know why i think i thought I did. Pure EGO i’d say. fuck me all the pieces of me piss me off. i need to get this out. I need to share because I know for a fact that i am just one little nobody trying to survive in a world as fucked as our one. yuck. There’s a reason I like sleeping so much.

I feel like i am my best self when around others. happy, light, free Liv who loves all the good in the world and can focus purely on the good and the love and the poeple who are trying to make a difference, that’s the me I love the most.

Its just thats not the one I spend most of my time with. the one that only comes out when I’m alone, she is scary, and everythings hurts, and I screamm and cry and just rock back and forth with my knife in my hand, she was here today. This morning.

Nothing makes any sense anymore. These diary entries must make me come across like a mad woman. I’m aware of that. I haven’t read any of them, and al aware they will all have grammer issues, because, it’s me, and oh yeah that’s right I’m ALL FUCKED UP. Ah I so happy I am prescribed weed and valuim.

I don’t feel depressed. I feel agitated and irritated. With myself obviously, but everything else too.

Yet, I know I will be fine. That I am fine. Safe, looked after, have everything I need, including Boss, know that it literally my mind doing this to me. I know this is true. But just like with everything else I’ve had to learn, it obvsioulsy takes time before it to truly sink in.

It’s more the fact that in every other area of my life I have pretty great. Or, at least i thought I did. I can’t help but notice the strange set of circumstances that feel like they have completely derailed all the plans I had in place recently that I was really looking forward to.

It’s 4:15 pm and I have not heard from my friend about work, though I will check my inside just in case she’s done it and not told me. Speaking of which, well sort of in the same area, I feel absoutely terrible and have no idea how it’s happened, but just like everything else, this also went wrong. I’ve been saying for what is now just shy of a year, since I was hired as Lived Expereince Peer Support mate and Stroyteller in March last year, that I have never been contacted as a mate. Though it one point I did realise my profile was hidden and made it visiable. Anyway, I thought I had changed it back so my profile was hidden after telling Faith that I was going to take myself off there for a while. Which, while typing this, I have seen, makes no sense, since it was only a few nights ago I was wishing I ha more people to chat to. I’m a counsellor, just someone to talk to if you need someone to chat me. Oh the times, I think about reaching out to the community I am very much apart of and encouraged to use for ourselves if we need a mate, and yet aside of one time, when Randy died, I haven’t since. Bloody hell. I’m always the problem. No wonder nothing makes sense. I dont do so many of the things I know would help me. fuck, fuck, fuck.

Anyway, last night I received a nofitcation saying someone has cancelled a chat request. I had never been sent a nofitication for the chat in the first place, so it surprised me. So, I go to check and I have two requests awaiting my accepatance or denial. Well one since the second one had cancelled. I had no idea they were there, and wasn’t in the right frame of mind to responde. I changed my profile to hidden, and now actually going to message Faith once I publish this, to let her know and ask her opinion on the best way to reply to the other person. Espienctially since given the day I’ve have, I don’t have it in my for chat with someone I don’t know to help them, right now. I wish I did, but lying to myself would be bad for both of us.

I have tried connected the camera to the laptop via usb and wireless search but so far I seem to keep getting the same message yet can’t figure out where the instructions for it are. Though one of the pamplets did say which website I needed to download the software for the camera and laptop to sync to each other. Or something like that. I only got to the ‘install’ button when I started writing this post.

I really hope it works. Once I know that I can easily save and upload the video and pictures I take then I am going to start using the camera for all of it. I just need to buy a computer bag to keep if safe.

What a lot of written posts today. Just pure conscious thought pouring out onto the page. Even if no one else reads it, at least I know it’s here for me whenever I need to see or read where I am in life as time goes by