I’ve been up since 7:30 am. Made the mistake of taking my morning meds as soon as I got back into bed to read with my coffee. The mistake was that I didn’t eat before taking my medication which then made me feel nauseous once they kicked in yet unable to eat anything either.

I got up and had another coffee while I let the sunscreen soak in because I wanted to mow the lawns or at least the back lawn before it got too hot today. The temperature is meant to get to 26 degrees today.

I have so much to do because I neglected everything due to uni, and yet, now it’s 11 am and I am lying on my couch feeling like absolute shit, wracked with feelings of guilt and shame because I honestly feel stuck. Totally broken within myself because I literally feel like I have no control sometimes. Like today for example.

I thought taking the ADHD medication was supposed to fix this. Stop this from happening. But instead, I feel like I could cry because my mind and body feel so disconnected this morning.

Knowing that this wouldn’t be happening if there was someone else here makes me want to cry even more.

Yesterday I spoke of how happy I am and how everything is aligning so nicely, and it’s true. I just don’t want to feel this guilty every time I do something for myself, like in today’s example, reading instead outside working. Some days I’m fine. Like yesterday but I couldn’t physically do much of anything the past few days I’ve had to myself.

Today well, I guess today, I’m stuck in my head. Thankfully writing this out has helped somewhat. If nothing else I guess it’s reminding me to remember to be kinder to myself. I’ve been go go go for so long now, it’s no wonder my body wants to rest. I mean it is only 11:10 am on Sunday morning.