Content Warning, self-harm mentioned, not acted on.

I am having one of those days where I feel like I am failing everything. Myself. My life. Boss. Failing it all.

Days like today, unfortunately, bring with them such severe distress that my mind automatically goes straight to what I have always done. I’m better at recognising and not acting on my self-harm urges so I guess that’s something good to focus on.

I just don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life. I have spent years trying to help put myself back together again, only to end up feeling more broken than ever.

I am glad I am seeing my psychologist tomorrow morning. I know she will say to focus on the good and that I’m allowed to rest without the constant feeling of guilt, I just don’t know how to actually get there.

I have never in my life felt good enough or worthy enough as a person. I have multiple friends booked in for visits, a new client who is awesome and the Storytelling peer support community picnic coming up, yet it just doesn’t seem to align in my head.

I am truly at a loss of what to do anymore. I know I am safe, looked after, and have everything I need and yet I just feel so worthless it overrides everything.

And on top it all off, the nightmares are back. Reminding me that I will probably spend every day and night alone for the rest of my life, aside from the rare occasion a friend might stay over.

I am going to keep watching Netflix until I fall asleep I think.