I absolutely 100% need a complete me day. I need to unwind, check out and let my mind rest. Adhd medication is amazing but I have been going for so long, it’s no wonder I’m now feeling so flat.

I finally found the remote, it had fallen in the box under the tv and once again I just didn’t look properly.

I think smoking weed when I’m around someone else in person, like today with my neighbour is just dumb and ridiculous on my part. Obviously I should have waited. But I was too wound up and I had already decided during my first video this morning that I was going to have a mental health day today and smoke weed. And well CPTSD may exceed BPD in a diagnostic sense but none of that makes any actual difference to me

Olivia on mafs is terrible but as I watch her say her vows to Jackson, everything she is saying is hitting a nerve. I wasn’t always about light and love. I was like her. Angry and vindictive. I don’t hold a grudge but I have always been someone who reacts in the moment and 9 out of 10 times, usually in the wrong way. I can completely relate to hear. That is basically who I was when I met Mr X. Of course he went through with the wedding. Anyone in his situation would have. Even me if it’d been roles reversed for him and me. Yet everything she said to Jackson is how I feel about Mr X. It is was easy. It was real. As I will keep saying, true unconditional love is not something you can just switch off. If it were, six years wouldn’t feel like it was yesterday and I would have just “moved on since there’s plenty more fish in the sea and we’re noot complete until we find the one who completes us” bullshit.

I’m lucky in the sense that my self awareness is extremely high. Though that’s not always a great thing I’ve found found when you can’t actually connect to the feeling. I believe everything happens for a reason, for the sake of our (we all have one not just me) Higher Self and in multiple dimensions and energetic levels. I believe we are all made of energy. Simply because it’s true.

I really wish people would take me literally. But oh well. It’s been too long without me really checking inward. I have been flustered and jittery for the past few days. I do very easily get swept up in things that make me happy. I have said that there is a giant kid inside of me. I am alone so obviously make all the decisions myself.

I can obviously do it. I’m perfectly capable. I just hate when shit happens that appears to be caused from a simple misunderstanding. I have to believe she said it I suppose and I just fucked up yet again 🤷‍♀️😬 meh

As my neighbour said, I should be able to walk away and not think of them again. Just be done with it and move on. Call another place if I want to keep doing it. And he is absolutely right. I obviously would love to not give it another thought. But the woman who runs it is the twin sister of my new friend Nichele and Pedro’s brothers wife. And another thing, I am so in my fucking head that I honestly just do feel completely detached.

On days like today I don’t really care about everything or anyone other than me and Boss. I guess that’s why I was so easily able to smoke weed around him…

Ah but here’s something interesting guys.. my neighbour has always sort of looked like Mr X but I always figured it was because of his long beard which Mr X always had. It turns out I really don’t obviously pay nearly enough attention because now that I have actually started to try staying level headed, with my feet planted firmly upon earth, while paying more attention and trying to remember to not look all over the place, stop looking up, stop moving my hands so much etc etc but yeah..

It turns out my lovely neighbour that has always been so helpful and awesome to have a chat with, actually looks exactly like Mr X in every way. Obviously Nichele wanted to see his wife’s Facebook after hearing the story. So I have seen the few photos made available to the public on her profile not that long ago. There is a photo of the two of them looking at the camera and Mr Xs eyes and everything about his facial structure, facial hair and stuff, well, I can only say it as it is, but fuck does my neighbour look like him 😝

I can finally say, I’ve gotten better at sharing a more condensed version since it is a rather long very complicated story with so many main characters who all have their their version of their story of what happened during those two years Mr X and I were together. That’s a long time. But yeah, I’ve found telling the story some what difficult in the past but not anymore. Now that I am finally just happy (and proud is what I’m hearing in my head) to just own my story. My truth. We all have one. I met the man I knew in my Soul I was going to meet my whole life in the firstnight we spent talking all night as we continued to discover that we are basically the same person. Literally things down to the exact same favourite Eminem song of all time, up until May 2014 when we met.

That happened. This is real. Absolutely every single good thing in my life started because of one simple thing. Love. How fucking much I love Mr X! I’m not ashamed anymore. But I was a terrible person but then. He told me once way into the affair part that he used to find me scary. A 6 foot 5 inches solid man, found me scary. This was after I knew he had gotten married and he had finally after so long come clean about everything. I call that turning point when the truth came out. I forgave him back then. Did I think he would stay married and have kids? Yeah I think so on some level. We had spoken about how much he wanted to be a dad. My ego couldn’t get my head around it though so boy did I say some absolutely disgusting stuff to the man I loved. I chose to keep seeing him, yet ultimately drove him back to her by attacking him basically every time I seen him for a long time after the truth came out.

Huh. I drove him back to her. I don’t believe I have had that thought before, or at least that I can think of. Interesting.

I really want to remove myself from the group chat for the foster dog availability oh and the one I wanted to create for pictures but just has too many rules so isn’t fun yet once again like always I am in my head overthinking it. I don’t want to look bad. Or like I failed so soon. Especially since I know I’m actually really good at fostering dogs. I had no idea I could train dogs so well. It’s actually an awesome and welcoming surprise.

I’m clearly meant to deal with animals more than people and I am perfectly happy with that. I will call the other dog places later in the week and get more information. My fantastic neighbour has checked the back gate and has said he can fix it for me so it’s easier to open from both sides.

Here’s something interesting.. I know I am feeling mentally and physically flat but…

Here’s something even more interesting… I walked away from my phone for a bit and came back.. i feel good.. i need to post as is and get rid of my phone for a while. I do have news though. I had planned on writing much more but I’ll just talk about it tomorrow but my weed specialist had a cancellation. I have a telehealth appointment tomorrow morning at 11:30am. Was due for a yearly review.

The Universe heard my vibration. I need the replacement pain meds. I really need do want to stop but right now it honestly does feel like I’m trapped in a “BPD stance of, since I vape I can can stoned”. Which is so weird now that I think about it because I never used to be like that.

There’s a definite part of me that knows I can actually stop as soon as I truly want to. I haven’t truly wanted to. Not until I saw my doctor. So I am having a mental health day today and smoking weed and watching catchup episodes of LaBrea on tv on my big actual tv not my laptop. Another ridiculous thing 🙄 🤦‍♀️ This channel, this particular website are where I come every time I fuck up. I feel like I’m going to. Need to talk myself down. Cry. Yell. Honestly if I feel the need or want to turn on my camera and just speak, I truly believe that is when I’m at my rawest. That is when I learn the most about me.

I share simply because I now believe that I deal with all of this and the complex insane mind that is mine because I am willing to share. I have absolutely nothing left to lose. That thought is what motivated me. People smoke weed all over the world for a variety of reasons. I believe in all that is good and wonderful that is marijuana. But it’s clearly very apparent that right now I’m using weed the wrong way. I’m not about that in morals and ethics yet I’m doing it so that’s completely rejecting what I believe 😲😆🤦‍♀️

Awwww fuck fuck fuckty fuck 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’ve just only fully completely registered what I just typed. No wonder I feel weird some days. But everything is good and well and that is the main thing. I can just delete the group chat so even if I waa removed I wouldn’t even know (yup I can hear myself 😬🥺😢 i keep telling yas sometimes I just don’t deal well with my emotions in the moment. I’m quick to anger or tears. You have no idea how hard it is to actually try and rewire your brain. At least it the way it very really feels.

Anyway it is now 2:41pm and I have not yet even lay down or watched anything after those few moments of mafs catchup.

On mute because I couldn’t listen to what she said again ⬆️😝

TIME: 2:44PM : Putting phone away now. Hopefully it stays away. Maybe I should turn it off 🤔 😕 😅