I am stoned. This is what I do. I self sabatage. I know this. There is a reason I have litterarly removed one televsion and the other that is in my room is covered over and the power cord and remote are with the neighbour across the street. larely I have been telling myself to breathe. How strange is that, right? I don’t know how to breathe. Not properly, not deeply. Not the way I need to. I have to stop and consciously say . “breathe liv. innn hold outtttt i cannot type a feeling. That is something I have finally decidd=ed. I have been at my desk, or mor to the point, my kitchen table since 8.30AM, yet it is now 3.48PM and I still have three questions to answer for this online training volenteer job, and honestly, think at this rate I may walk away from these three questions until I am ready to answer them, which is clearly not right now, given, I’m typing this instead.

What is interesting to me is this state I am in. Again, describing a feeling is diffilcult, but i feel good, not mad at all that I have taken this long, because I am at the point where I can trully see that …

I’m in my head you see.. what I was thinking when I can here to write is what I want to talk about but its like..

I can’t breathe..

I do rememebr one thing though, and that is, I am never doing “Updates/Time” on one post again. I didn’t like it and it confused me and I wrote it. So yeah. . therefore, regardless of how long or small my blogs are I will just continue to post as I go. So, that’s somthing good to know.

ok, I think I am feeling better. Mind you there has been no time in between these paragraphs. For some reason, I am seeing visions of all of my family members in my head. My sister, SIL, BIL etc. No clue why, but if any of you see this, I hope you are ok and I’m sending love. We don’t have to be talking right now and that’s fine but I only want everyone’s happiness in the long run. Mine incuded.

Ok I need to get out of my head. And pay way more attention to my typing lol