All I have done since speaking to my doctor this morning is read. And cuddle Boss. And talk to a friend via text message off and on. But that’s it.

My friend has helped me to see that there are people who care about me. He is the one regular person who actually follows this blog site and always messages me when he sees a blog in which I am clearly distressed.

Talking to my doctor really did help this morning, because she share’s her stories to help me see that I am not crazy. Even though my family treat me like a freak. But while I was talking to her, I went from crying to breathing exercises while she calmed me down to feeling like everything that has happened had to happen. I truly believe that about everything, which makes my severe reactions to triggers all the more confusing. As I had a 30 minute appointment I was feeling more like myself again, and told her that once I got off the phone with her, I was going to have a shower and then start working on my uni notes that I need to complete so that I can finally bind the notes into a booklet so start studying them.

My doctor said that sounded like a great idea. She obviously knows that my units don’t match up for trimester one, so these notes I want to start studying are for units that start in July. Yet my doctor said it is great that I want to start early. She said this is clearly my purpose in life. My Higher Calling from my Higher Self. I told her I no longer even care if I become a registered psychologist since I HAVE to make this about healing MYSELF. She completely agreed that I need to heal myself first by staying in university and learning everything I possibly can. But she disagreed with me about not becoming a registered psychologist. She said that is very much a part of my purpose in life. She truly believes that I have the ability to heal myself and then help so many people.

After everything that has happened, especially the fact that I couldn’t stop myself from cutting my leg when I got home on Sunday night, which, I obviously told my doctor, her saying that she truly believes it would be selfish of me to end my life when I am so obviously needed here, really meant so much to me. Especially because it’s so easy to forget the big picture when in reality in the moment of that extreme emotional pain that one feels to drive themselves to cut themselves, it is very easy to believe that absolutely nobody would care.

So, today has proven to me once again, that I will be ok. That I do have people who care even when I don’t care about myself or question whether those who talk to me just do so out of pity.

Yet, I haven’t actually done anything that I had planned to. I have a knot in my neck/shoulder area and it is causing so much pain I can barely move my head. I’ve just taken more pain meds so hopefully that kicks in soon.

The reason for this post, I guess, is because I became aware right before I opened this page up, that subconsciously I was still being really hard on myself for not only not starting my notes, but not even showering as yet. I’ve been contemplating having a bath for a number of hours now. To the point where I’ve decided a nice hot shower so I can wash my hair and let the hot water hopefully help ease my pain levels, is definitely better, given it’s already 2.17pm and I no longer feel like I would be able to relax in a bath right now.

The main part of the realisation though, is that I was beating myself up without even realising it. As soon as that awareness hit me, almost like a switch being flipped, I realised that I am allowed to rest and read if that is what my body and mind needs. And just like that, I felt so much better.

The only really pressing thing I want to do today is call my internet provider. I just ran speed tests and sent the screen shots to Graham who said they should be much faster, which even I gathered and I don’t know F all about stuff like that.

But at least I have more understanding as to why it took 4 minutes at my sisters place to upload a video to YouTube and takes 3 hours at mine 🙄

Now it’s time to get up and shower and call internet company. Here’s hoping it’s an easy fix.