For so many years I feared being pitied. For the last couple of years though I really thought I had made some real genuine friends…

Today I have realised, that it’s far more one sided than an equal friendship in many cases. I’ve had two people I consider friends basically verify it.

What one has said has cut me to the core. Good ol emotional fucking dysregulation 🥺 or maybe it’s just because I’m human and truly am so completely alone. All I did was ask to catch up with someone. Someone who I had been seeing regularly for some time. But instead now, I have had to apologise for making her feel like she has to “squeeze me in”. That sentence just keeps bringing me to tears. I don’t want people thinking like that. All I feel is like I’ve been pitied.

I kept crying or just staring into space for some time. Then I came to my room to lie down and watch Netflix. Yet, ended up reading nosleep stories instead.

I just so sad and flat. I have never really known what it feels like to be part of a proper group of friends. I know I never would have believed I’d be 36 years old, living alone, with almost no friends who make time for me. Just writing this has me in tears.

I keep thinking about making my daily video but I guess there is fear inside of me since I am so so extra sensitive today. I don’t want to cry on camera but I’m also making these videos to help me so if I cry I cry. Posting my videos isn’t for attention. Most of them haven’t even been seen.

I am a real person feeling real emotions and today I am sad. But it’s ok to be sad and I have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed for. It can be so hard to ask for help, so if me sharing my struggles and bad days, helps even one person, it is totally worth it to me.

Think I will finish the story I was reading when I felt compelled to write this story. There’s that word again: “compelled”. Interesting. Anyway, I may not even do that and put Netflix on instead.

Sending love to everyone out there including myself. Because we deserve it ♡