I can’t get my mums favourite thing to say when we were kids out of my head…

Sleeping brings us closer to death. The more we sleep the closer we get.

I have talked to a friend on messenger and remembered I have valuim so took two of them. My friend suggested I stay away from alcohol and maybe i will after this glass but maybe I won’t either and truthfully I don’t care.

Days like today make me second guess everything. I do not feel like a strong powerful confident woman. I feel small, weak, timid and afraid. But mostly guilty. Because I have spent my entire life feeling guilty for just being alive.

I love my mum so much, but nothing changes what happened or what my siblings and I went through..

Having a mum who would lock herself in her rooms from anywhere between a few days and a few weeks, only to come out and tell us we should never have been born, that it was our fault she was depressed. That we weren’t worth the air we breathed. These memories are mostly what I remember feom being a kid. And mind you I am the oldest of three, so it was my responsibility to make sure they were ok. But I could manage for so long before I had to leave. I moved out at 15 or 16. Its wasn’t until years later i found out how badly that affected my sister and brother. I couldn’t do right by anyone..

And now I spend so much time trying to learn how to deal with things better but then stupid things like today, just mess me right up.

Now when something happens, it catapults me back into the past where I was blamed for absolutely everything. Including being born.

How does something truly stop this from effecting them? I am 36 year old woman and yet in situations where I feel blamed or guilty for something, it’s like I’m back hiding under the table with my sister and brother praying mum isn’t going to attack us…

I don’t want to have to deal with this anymore, yet I’ve been in therapy for so long now but am still crying as i type this, so I guess that says plenty about just how fucked I am 🥺😥😭