I’m watching a triller movie in my room lying on my bed as it’s now the only room with a tv in it and I just wanted to rest and watch movies while smoking weed all day today, since I truly have worked so hard in the past week, reorganising the majority of my house. To me, it looks and feels like I’m living in a brand new home 🥰

Yesterday was good. But throughout the later afternoon and earlier evening, I couldn’t help but notice I was getting bored. Probably because I had worked so damn much to get my home to where I wanted it to be so that I can start the new year off right. I’ve been in such an excited, happy, high energy mood and state of mind for past couple of weeks now, since I’m officially done for the year.

But my pain levels are so high. So, so, so unbelievably high. Guess it really does show through in my behaviour, especially when around other people, because numerous times I was told “to relax”.. I’d been smoking joints for a few hours and had 2 valuim over the space of the day and yet, constantly told those two words I hate so much.

But other than that it was a good day. The latest person left around 10.30-11pm. My sister and family bought their caravan so they could sleep over. Usually my sisters partner doesn’t get to drink because he is sober driver home and they live 1 hour, 20 minutes away from me. My birthday being smack bang in the middle of the Christmas holidays, does mean there are more police on the streets. I was so happy they stayed. Like I said I’ve been working so hard lately.

I do have to say, I am glad that I did it all, not for the people coming to my house the first time, which, by the time the majority had cancelled, another thing that regularly occurs on my birthday, there were only three new people, though, two were both from my philosophy units, and they hit it off straight away, and basically spent the entire time they were here in the kitchen talking, just themselves, about our philosophy units. I know the three of us have all been at least three units together. Two this year.

The rest of us, were outside, braving the scorching hot sun, under the shade of an outdoor umbrella. I finally ended up buying one the day before, only for my brother in law to replace it with the much better quality one lol .. mine got tapped to the clotheslines to shade the kids paddling pool.

Anyway, I am writing this blog today, right now at 4.49pm to get out my feelings and calm me down from what happened before the I needed to get out. My first thought was to make a video. I know that’s exactly what I would have done back then in 2017/2018 when I kept daily, sometimes multiple daily videos that I saved in so many different ways, including on a hard drive that is in my safe. I always believed they would eventually go online. But I didn’t think about anonymous identities for my friends, or signed release forms so without a lot of editing it would just be too big a job. Even though right now it would be easier just to vent into my camera, I am acutely aware that I may come across wrong on video. Plus I really want to write out what happened from my point of view..

Sirri arrived yesterday around 6pm. She used public transport to get here from other side of city and was spending the night. At first I had said she may need to bunk with me as I thought a lot more people were planning to stay. In the end only she did in the house and sister and family in the caravan.

After we tidied up and drunk coffee this morning and Sirri had some food, she poured herself a red wine at 10.30am. Absolutely no judgement here, but, I do believe it plays into the story. I definitely don’t feel like drinking today, especially since the city is all closed off and only ticketed people can get through, which are all sold out. So, Grant has gone to his brothers place where they are having drinks instead. I was invited but declined. I am way too wrecked and sore to do anything. Quite frankly I am over the moon the city plans were cancelled.

So, before my sister left, she asked Sirri what her plans were for the day. She replied, “oh I’m meant to be catching up with a mate later but its way too hot and not till around 6pm so I’ll just stay here until I need to leave around 3pm or so”. First, I’d heard of it. Definitely was not a part of my day. But I made it work, told her what I planned to do and she said “cool I’ll watch movies with you while I drink my red wine”.. or to that effect.

It took too long to pick a movie so in the end I went with ‘Fun with Dick and Jane’. She clearly did not like the first part and made no attempt to hide it, though thankfully she did laugh for the last half.

After that I said I wanted to watch a thiller or suspenseful movie. She said she loves them. So we select one and its really great. I was really enjoying it.

The next part is where it gets strange. I can see from her point exactly what she was saying but she refused to even try to understand what I was meaning.  The next part is as close to verbatim as possible..

Sirri “Imagine having a mind like a psychopath, being able to think things likes this. And act so normally, some people are really messed up”

Me “not necessarily, people have two sides, you can’t generalise, that “most” people have never had a bad thought” (or too that effect).

Sirri “so you’ve had psychopathic thoughts?”

Me “yes”

Sirri “oh, you’re a psychopath now?!”

Me “no, not at all. I have definitely been diagnosed with a lot of things, but no, I’m not psychopathic, but that doesn’t also automatically mean, I’ve never had a thought like this, because I have, and that’s all I’m saying”.

At this point she is clearly not listening to me but by that point, I honestly just didn’t care. Being able to read and connect to other people’s energy like I can, isn’t really all that fun, when you are super overwhelmed and your quiet time is being fully interrupted.

Yet she got mad  and decided.. puffing like an angry mumma bear haha “I’ve had enough of this, I’m leaving, I did not call you a psychopath”.

Once again I tried reasoning with her but she just kept defending herself, repeating the same incorrect thing over and over again, and I just.. I just wanted her gone.

So I said again.. “I’m fine. I have no interest in arguing with you. You refuse to let me explain, or to listen to what I’m saying and your energy is so bad right now I just want you gone”.

I mean, I honestly do not care if someone calls me a psychopath.I know who I am. That’s all that matter to me. I know that I am not one. And I knew what she was saying. All, I was trying to do, was explain that anyone could have those thoughts for any number of different reasons, without it actually making them a pyschopath. But again, by this point, I really just wanted her out of my house.

To me, when I said people could crash, it was because I wanted people to feel safe, knowing they couold have a drink and then make their way home in the morning. it did not mean, stay as long as you like.

She told me she needed 10 minutes, which was fine. I offered her sunscreen for the 10 minute walk to the train station. There’s absolutely no way I was going to drive. I mean, up until everything went completely pear shaped, I had conceded to the fact that she may not want to go back to her flat, especially if her housemate isn’t home. Though she did mention she’s back with her ex which I obviously didn’t know, since I had told Grant she was single. Believing that she was. So, no clue as to why she is not spending it with him. She said he’s actually divorced this time, but who knows. Every body lies and cheats as far as I can tell.

The more I really see the world the more I want to run away to a cabin in the bush. Somewhere where no one is around. Some where safe for me and Boss.

Sebastian.. I really need to call every single wildlife place and zoo in Melbourne and see if any of them can take him and give him a good home for his remaining years.

Above is what I wrote on the 31st December 2021. Below, is the realisation I have had, today, the 5th January 2022 at 4:51pm..

I already knew exactly how I wanted to spend the last day of the year, and yet, I still accomadated her. Come to think of, maybe that’s the ultimate lesson. I should have just said no, that does not suit me, when my sister asked the question, and she replied, saying what she did.