That’s why it cost’s so much! 💲

My friend came to see me. A friend from my Mr X days. I talked everything out about how I’m feeling and how much I want to message him for his birthday because we used to talk about it and what I would do to celebrate with him. But my friend helped me see that I have to to let him go down here in reality. That siince I’m always going to believe what I believe and I feel perfectly sane saying I know I will even though I also know anyone could call Mr X right now in real time and he would tell however it is that I am “delusional and that he is married with two beautiful children and hasn’t spoken to her (me) in years” or something to that affect.

Meh 🤷‍♀️ my truth is my truth and Mr X is perfectly aware of his somewhere in there…

But my friend helped me see that yes this is my life, but it’s MY life. Not his. Not anymore. He made his choice and I have to live with it. And most of the time I am really happy that he did. He wanted a family and kids so much. I would have had kids with him for sure but really I know that was never in my cards. I do not want to be a mother. It’s really very simple. I couldn’t honestly think of anything worse. I absolutely love my niece and nephew and think children are the most pure beings on the planet. But then we go and fuck them right up. Santa?! Don’t get me started on how much I hate Santa and every single thing that is fucked up in our world that the collective level of cognitive dissonance isn’t utterly ridiculous and yet I’m told I’m the one trying to teach kids not to have an imagination?! Um.. seriously … I am trying to teach that lying is never ok. Especially to children! But I will write an actual peer reviewed referenceed essay on that. Oh no, wait, I already have in my philosophy degree, so I’ll upload it here at some point.

Now where was I…

Why I am ok really and more like having a tantrum than say really feeling like I’m having a shitty day but that could be because all the wonderful prescribed weed I’ve vaped is finally hitting me and I’m feeling better having seen and talked to my friend, realised that I absolutely cannot text Mr X on his 40th birthday. I know that. It’s not like his Higher Self doesn’t know already anyway, in the Higher Relems he’s been with me forever.. but down here, I knew this had to happen. He needs to be a dad and a husband and I need to be in university studying. I know this. Genuinely speaking I am happy. But as my friends have reminded me today, we’re all human, some of us, are more aware and more finely intuned with heightened intuition and connection to others but we are all still living in this world made up of of everything 3D and a society that as far as I can tell just seems to be going backwards…

So sometimes I have daya where I just feel extra sad or low or flat or whatever .. where I know I am probably going to be more easily triggered even if I haven’t completely realised it when it starts..

I started a movie so long ago now it feels like but I’m only 15 minutes in so I’m going to heat up so leftover pasta from yesterday and go back to the movie I started as I was enjoying it