Personally, these days, am trying to spend as little time as possible dwelling on things that have happened in the past and stay as present as I can. And for the past say hour or so I have been sitting on my bed, first I just sat here, focusing on my breathing, then I read part of a reddit story but couldn’t concentrate. So, I decided I needed to do what I was avoiding but trying so hard not to let myself feel effected.

Ok, today was and still is a really good day. What happened, is so dumb, hence, I feel super dumb, and I guess if I’m honest, embarrassed. Mostly because I truly don’t know why I didn’t listen to my intuition, when the though was so reasonable and sound. So, why did I continue on and write, then send the email that I did to my philosophy unit chair? I honestly don’t know. I have been asking myself since I received her reply.

My day in general has been, in my opinion, very productive. I was up at 8:30am, made coffee, and immediately picked up the philosophy paper I had been reading yesterday before I went to bed. No Reddit, or anything. I opened my laptop and reread what I had written for the bonus 200-word answer yesterday  afternoon. I still wasn’t sure if it sounded quite right, and the entire point of doing it, is to try and get a grade higher than 72% which is my current lowest grade on the 200 short answer questions. The others being, 80% and 78%. We have been allowed a 20% leeway in this particular unit, which is fantastic, since it’s usually 10%. I did not actually realise the 20% was for all assignments until a couple of days ago actually.

After this, I sun screened up, since I own a solarium for a reason, and seriously hate tan lines. Plus, just because I own a solarium, it doesn’t mean I’m not sun smart. I have a sun cancer mole mapping doctor, who says I have very boring skin, thankfully.

Right, back to my day, I did the fun job, I’m sure all dog owners love, and picked up the dog poo from the backyard. The gardener had come yesterday, but it grows so fast that it was too long for me to do it last few days before he came. I then raked up the spare bits of grass that got missed by the catcher. Hung out the washed sheets and duvet set. By the time, I was back inside applying more sunscreen and sorting out my very old, needs to be replaced, bikini, my friend arrived, and we headed off to the dog beach with Boss. Mind you, I have basically completed my 200-bonus word question, and as it stands, my essay is over 4600 words (I did think it was 4800, but close enough). It’s just taken me a bit to firstly get my head around what exactly I am writing, since, even though, I made it to 10/11 seminars (one I missed was the dentist appointment that was cancelled that one told me about), but unfortunately, I just didn’t take in as much information as I would have liked. It’s something I have actually reflected about a lot since needing to get the special consideration for my assignments. I mean, it’s not like I’m enjoying the fact that trimester, exams, everything is over for trimester two and not only that, the unit grades are being released on the 5th November. I haven’t even finished. The only thing keeping me from feeling like I was going to lose it, was the belief that I had my unit chairs support. And I know I have, so that probably sounds unfair, and I don’t mean it like that, but I guess I just wasn’t expecting the email I got today. Though I can now definitely see why it all happened as it did.. always lessons.

Its ironic and interesting, that all of this has happened on the one day. And people don’t believe that there’s a bigger picture at plan. There has to be. Otherwise, I really hope the earth is wiped out in one nanosecond and no one even realises… but that’s another story for another day…

So, this morning, I was reading the slides of the seminars for a section of what I was working on and trying to wrap my head around the actual reading I was reading. I came upon a quote I liked but couldn’t seem to locate which source it was in. And, in all fairness to me, from the reading list to the philosophers quoted in the slides, there are definitely some that are not on the prescribed reading list. That, or I really have just lost my mind, I’m not sure I like either option right now.

Anyway, this is where, once again, I DID NOT TAKE MY OWN ADVICE! OR LISTEN TO MY INTUITION! Honestly, sometimes, all I can do is literally just shake my head and ask myself why. Why did you not listen again? Especially when I have been so good at catching it lately. Sometimes its faith and I’m not even sure, other times its loud, and then there are the times where I’m not even 100% sure if it’s my ego or Higher Self. Or, in other words, my intuition.

Back to the quote. My intuition told me to find the relevant reading online, copy and paste it, and put it into Google. I am a smart capable woman. So, even I do not understand the following actions I took. Instead of doing that, I took a photo of the quote in the printed-out booklet I have made for all the slides for this unit and emailed my unit chair.

Up until this point, she has been extremely kind, caring, understanding and supporting of the fact that I went through something major during the trimester (pretty sure I haven’t written about it in detail as yet) and she was kept up to date with everything going on and where I am at. Well, I guess, I haven’t exactly told her where I am at, word wise, or actuals details, so I can see why she replied to this morning’s email the way she did. She has now just replied to my reply, so I shall be back…

Yeah, it got bad. She decided to give me a new date of the 8th of November, when she had already accepted and confirmed the 30th which is what is on the medical forms from both my doctor and my psychologist have advised. I’ve been in tears since her first email reply, which I did at first respond to
emotionally and cc’d my uni disability support person in. Then I sent one apologising for the original emotional reply and said I can see where she is coming from. But to change my submission dates from the 30th which is really only to stop intense overwhelm and stress, since I have every intention of having everything submitted by then, changed to the 8th is insane. I had my first nice day out of the house at the dog beach, met some new people, exchanged details with cool new chick. Actually, had a lovely day. Yet I’ve been floating through tears and just how can I be so dumbness…

I caused all of this. No one to blame but me. And for what? yeah, the thing, I’ve been saying for years… trust your intuition! I feel so completely fucking dumb right now and yet at the same time, its like, ah, clearly this had to happen. Obviously, I’m not cut out for future degrees. Who was I kidding, I wanted to do both philosophy and psychically honours and then continue on with my psychologist degrees, but I’m so … I’m trying really hard not to call myself stupid. I know that I’m not. I had a momentary lapse in judgement and fucked up.

And of course, everything just reminds me of Mr X and it’s like go away already. You made your choice its been over 5 years, I don’t want you in my head anymore. go away!! Ahhhhh

Seriously, I just got to get these fucking assignments done and then uni is completely over for not only the year but until I’m enrolled again in July 2022. I am so fucking happy I have such a long break. Then I only have four psychology units left. Personality, Psychopathology, and both statistics Research Methods A and B.

Anyway, I am in tears again. being the overly sensitive person that I am. It is really time to let go of absolutely everything. All hopes and dreams, all study and career goals… all everything… I just want to be one with nature… I was kidding myself that I could help anyone… so I’m focusing solely on me. Ok, maybe I’m having a bit of a pity party, but I really do wonder sometimes why I bother trying so much.

Definitely time for another bong and to finish my vodka.

Just as I’ve gone to hit publish, I’ve realised I’ve missed a part of the story that makes it more interesting, but I’m too tired to keep typing, and instead just want to find a movie on Netflix and get into bed, so I guess for now… too be continued lol